Christmas songs, revisited

In light of my recent trip to Palestine/Israel, I've found that Christmas songs have all new meaning for me. This past weekend was the "Lessons and Carols" service at Trinity Anglican Mission. The choir has been practicing since October; however, due to a severe sinus infection and resulting fever and stomach upset, I was unable to perform. Needless to say, I was disappointed, but it was a gift to be able to listen to the songs we had practiced for so long...and to hear them in a new way, given all that I learned and witnessed in the Holy Land.

One song in particular was very impactful: "O Sing a Song of Bethlehem."

O sing a song of Bethlehem, of shepherds watching there,

And of the news that came to them from angels in the air.

The light that shone on Bethlehem fills all the world today;

Of Jesus’ birth and peace on earth the angels sing alway. 

So many of us hold an idyllic image of Bethlehem. We see it in our minds as a small, peaceful town known only as the place of Jesus' birth. I used to hold this image, but I now know better. The Bethlehem of today is a densely populated city, with three refugee camps and multiple illegal settlements, surrounded by the 27 foot separation wall. It is a place of great injustice and not the cartoon-like Biblical town that we sing of. 

The injustice evident in Bethlehem today is, I believe, the very injustice that Jesus came to defeat.  He came to set the captives free, to liberate us from evil, and to show us an alternate way to live- to reject evil, revenge, and oppression, and to act with justice and mercy. How terrible and ironic that the very place He was born is today a flashpoint for one of the greatest injustices in the world. He would not have us build walls to separate people from their neighbors and families and to confiscate their land. He would not have us banish our fellow humans to densely-populated, poverty-stricken refugee camps. He would not have us value one people group over all others. Yet this is exactly what we see in Bethlehem today. 

I no longer sing of Bethlehem with a naive smile on my face; rather, I sing with tears in my eyes and an ache in my heart, knowing it as a place of great suffering and oppression. And I ask Jesus, who was born there over 2000 years ago, to keep me from despair and to be a witness for truth and justice. 

Holy Land: final day, reflection

Today is our final day here in the Holy Land. Before heading out, we will hold a simple worship service and time of sharing and reflection. I am looking forward to hearing the others' thoughts on the past couple weeks. We'll also see a few more sites and, I'm sure, eat more hummus, cucumbers, and tomatoes. 

Over the past couple days, there has been a good deal of unrest in Jerusalem and the West Bank. A Palestinian-American teenager was shot dead in the West Bank, and there were arrests made at the Al-Aqsa mosque. I know that this unrest and the injustice will continue after we leave; however, we know that the work of these peacemakers whom we have met will continue as well. Theirs is the difficult work of reconciliation, resistance, and sowing peace. It is slow and difficult, for they are up against a strong, oppressive force.

In regards to this long battle for justice, I keep coming back to something that Daoud (at Tent of Nations) said to us: "God says 'blessed are the peacemakers, not the peacetalkers.'" At first glance, that seems like a "duh" kind of statement, but I think that a lot of us (myself included) are guilty of talking about peace more than actually sowing it. And why not? It's way easier to sit around and criticize and just wish that things were different than to get our hands dirty and engage others in the work of reconciliation and understanding.

Working for peace is tough. I see that in the work that is done at Wi'am, Tent of Nations, Diyar, Mar Elias, and all those who are working to achieve a just peace in this place. They are like that "voice in the wilderness," speaking truth, planting seeds of peace, and refusing to hate. This issue has become personal, and I am honored to have met these amazing peacemakers. 

The Israeli-Palestinian conflict is a difficult issue to care about: those opposed to justice are loud and powerful, and I am often tempted to throw in the towel and to wish that I didn't know or care. But after seeing the long, difficult fight of our partners here-and, more importantly, their faith- I feel a renewed sense of purpose and drive to continue to advocate for them- to be a voice for them, to call out injustice, and to make peace, not just talk about it. 

I will, again, share a quote from my man, Shane Claiborne: 

"Even as we see the horror of death, may we be reminded that in the end, love wins. Mercy triumphs. Life is more powerful than death. And even those who have committed great violence can have the image of God come to life again within them as they hear the whisper of love. May the whisper of love grow louder than the thunder of violence. May we love loudly."

Holy Land: holy sites, Blood Brothers, & Syria

Greetings from Ibillin, Israel! We're here in the Galilee visiting the Mar Elias Educational Institution as well as various holy sites in the region. Just today we went to the Mount of the Beatitudes, Capernaum, and the Sea of Galilee. As with so many things on this trip, only photos will do justice to what I have seen here; however, in Capernaum, we saw Peter's mother's house as well as the foundation blocks of the synagogue in which Jesus taught. Staring at those stones, I was brought to tears.

Our first stop today was the destroyed Palestinian village of Biram, where Father Elias Chacour spent the first years of his life. (Father Chacour is the former Archbishop of the Melkite Catholic Church here, has been nominated numerous times for the Nobel Peace Prize, and his autobiography, Blood Brothers, is worth a read.) Like 300 other Palestinian villages, Biram was destroyed soon after the state of Israel was created. All that is left are the ruins of the homes, school, and church; the area is now a national park.

One of Abuna ("father") Chacour's friends was with us as well, and as they showed us around, I could not stop thinking about what a strange and tragic situation this is for them. Imagine it: your family has lived in this land practically forever, been followers of Jesus since He walked around here, and upon the creation of a new country on the land of your family, you are all forced to flee, while many of your compatriots are systematically murdered. That is exactly what happened in this land in 1948.

The Galilee, where we are right now, was not intended to become Israeli territory according to the UN partition plan, which divided up this region in 1948 for both an Israeli and a Palestinian state. It was, like a lot of other land, taken by force. And then in 1967, Israel took over the remainder of historic Palestine- Gaza and the West Bank, which it occupies to this day. There is another small piece (or not so small) to this story...

This afternoon, after spending time at the Sea of Galilee, we headed back towards Ibillin. Or so I thought. We drove west rather than east, and all of a sudden, the bus pulled over, and we were told that we were in Syria. No checkpoint. No passport control. Nothing. We simply crossed the Jordan River. "How can this be?" you may ask. Well, in 1967, Israel annexed the Golan Heights from Syria, and to this day, it maintains a military occupation there.

This whole situation is, in my mind, absurd. I feel sorrow for those wronged. And anger towards those who perpetrated these injustices (as well as those who continue to do so today). But Abuna Chacour said to me today "We must not hate." If a man who lost his home due to no fault of his own can say those words as he stands next to the ruins of that home, I too can choose to not hate.

It may sound cheesy, but my Palestinian Christian brothers and sisters are teaching me what it truly means to follow Jesus- to forgive, persevere, and love your enemy. 

Holy Land, Days 5 & 6- Bethlehem, Dead Sea, Jerusalem

Hello again from Bethlehem! Tonight is our last night here in the Holy Land Hotel (which I totally recommend, btw); tomorrow we head north to Ramallah and Ibillin.

Day 5

Yesterday morning our group attended church at Christmas Lutheran, where Rev. Dr. Mitri Raheb (of Diyar Consortium) serves. Since our group as well as a group from Germany was visiting, the service was trilingual. That is to say that Mitri spoke to all three groups in their native tongues. Many people here, especially in the Christian community, speak English, but this was above and beyond. And what a priceless experience to worship with fellow believers from all over the world in the very place where Jesus was born.

In the afternoon we visited Wadi Kelt canyon, which includes the road Jesus references in the Parable of the Good Samaritan. There is also an impressive monastery there that hugs the canyon wall. Allow me to make a blanket apology for not posting photos yet. I will do so when I get home although for now, I'm putting a few on Facebook and Instagram.

From Wadi Kelt we went to the Dead Sea. I was just a spectator, but my favorite part was looking out across the water to the mountainous coast of Jordan. A large portion of the Dead Sea is dry now because it has been diverted to water the Negev. It's quite depressing, to be honest.

Day 6

Today we spent in Jerusalem. Usama is not allowed to travel there, so our guide was a precious man named Bishara. Jerusalem is only about 5 miles from Bethlehem, but it took us awhile to get there, mostly because of the long line at the checkpoint leaving Bethlehem city.

We toured the Al Aqsa mosque, The Dome of the Rock, the pools at Bethesda, walked part of the Via Dolorosa, St. Anne's church, Church of the Holy Sepulchre, the Wailing Wall, the Mt. of Olives, and the Garden of Gethsemane. Needless to say, I took ten million photos. My favorite site was the Al Aqsa mosque; it is, without a doubt, one of the most beautiful, peaceful places I've ever been. It was difficult to think that it has been the site of such hatred and injustice.

This evening, a fellow pilgrim, Jim, shared his struggle with bitterness and hatred towards the perpetrators of injustice in this place. I really appreciate and admire his candor because I also struggle with these feelings. He spoke of his desire to "affirm the humanity" of the people whom he finds himself hating. It is always easier to hate and demonize when we see others as less than human, and for that reason, I think it would behoove all of us to make these words our daily prayer.

May Jesus teach us to affirm the humanity of all people as we work for peace. 

I'm looking forward to the next week as we continue to learn about and see this place. It is truly a privilege to bear witness to the ways the Holy Spirit is equipping and encouraging His people to bring the Kingdom to earth.

Holy Land. Day 4- Resistance is not futile.

Today was a full day. My feet are a bit sore, and I was quite tempted to head on to bed without blogging. But despite my fatigue, I want to share about this day because it was nothing short of inspiring.

We spent the morning in Hebron, where we visited the Ibrahim Mosque and Tomb of the Patriarchs as well as the offices of Christian Peacemaker Teams. The walk to CPT required a journey through the souk- the central market, which is a narrow, winding alley full of vendors. CPT works to support existing peacemaking efforts, provides accompaniment to ensure protection for Palestinians, and documents human rights abuses.

Gabriel, a CPT volunteer and our host, explained that Hebron is a "microcosm of the occupation," and he is exactly right. There is a military post or check point everywhere you look, and various settlements dot the cityscape. In fact, one settlement runs alongside the souk, and there is chain link fence to catch the trash that is thrown by settlers into the market.

Next to CPT's office is a military outpost- soldiers standing guard with machine guns, generally looking quite bored. I honestly cannot get beyond the absurdity of the situation: this foreign army in a land that international law states does not belong to them, ensuring the continued confiscation and destruction of property of the rightful owners and residents of this place. And impunity reigns.

This afternoon we visited Tent of Nations, which is an educational and environmental farm that operates on a Palestinian family farm that has been in operation since 1916. It is encircled by five large settlements that continue to grow, and the Nasser family is fighting an ongoing battle to maintain their land. In May of this year, the Israeli army at the behest of a group of settlers uprooted hundreds of apple, apricot, olive and fig trees there, but Daoud, the director and grandson of the original owner, and his family and team will replant. Israeli policy prohibits them from utilizing electricity, plumbing, or constructing, so they have made meeting rooms in caves, used solar power, and have compost toilets. This operation is incredible, and is a collaborative effort between Palestinians, Israelis, and internationals.

Shane Claiborne writes that "Christianity is at its best when it is peculiar, marginalized, and suffering," and these saints are proof of that. This place is a difficult one, but the suffering of these people has laid the ground for incredible faith. The road towards a just peace is long and arduous, requiring amazing endurance, patience, and faith that I envy. 

Holy Land, Day 3- Life as They Know It

Today's visits included Bethlehem Bible College, Diyar Consortium, and Dar Al-Kalima University College of Arts and Culture.

• BBC has campuses here in Bethlehem, Nazareth, and Gaza. (Palestinians' freedom of movement is extremely restricted, so having these three campuses allows for people from various parts of Palestine to study.) 
• Diyar Consortium is a Lutheran-based, ecumenically-oriented organization that fosters cultural and artistic expression, civic engagement, a printing house, and sports programs. - This afternoon we got to watch a girl's handball game. So cool! 
• Al-Kalima is a Palestinian university associated with the Evangelical Lutheran Church and has various arts degree programs. 

On our way back to the Holy Land Hotel this afternoon, we drove right by a demonstration- tires burning, kids throwing rocks, soldiers firing tear gas and spraying their skunk water, etc. Our bus stopped for a minute or so while trying to get through a nearby intersection, and opposite the demonstration was a wedding caravan. Usama simply said "Welcome to Palestine." 

That is just it. Despite the occupation and the unrest that it fuels, life goes on. Like people everywhere, these people want to live their lives- to be free, to be happy, to provide for their children, to play outside, and to celebrate when life calls for it. The situation here in the West Bank is tense: just yesterday, a 13 year old was killed by Israeli forces, bringing the Palestinian death toll here to 42 this year. And today, settlers stormed the Ibrahimi Mosque in Hebron, detaining the mosque guards. There are demonstrations all over the West Bank every day, in response to IDF actions in Gaza and Jerusalem. It is a dangerous situation.

I fully support the Palestinians' right to resistance and am impressed by their passion. Their anger is understandable, and they have the right to resist and struggle. In this place, anyone younger than 45 years old does not know life without this military occupation. But it is the people we have met over the past few days who are fighting the most difficult battle- choosing to stay, confronting injustice in creative, nonviolent ways, and bringing hope to this place. I'd like to think that if I was in their situation, that I would reject violence and follow in the way of Jesus. But I cannot know what I would do. 

I do know that these saints and their courage are what we should all strive for. 

Holy Land, Day 2

It's been a busy day. But a great one. We visited Wiam Palestinian Conflict Resolution/Transformation Center, Alrowwad Cultural and Theatre Society, Aida refugee camp, Manger Square, Church of the Nativity, Shepherds' Field, and met with Dalia Eshkenazi of "The Lemon Tree," which is an awesome (and true) double biography set here. I will elaborate and share about all of these as the trip progresses and the pieces come together, but for now I will share about the day's most impactful visits and sights: Aida and the separation wall.

Separation Wall

In my 7+ years of studying this conflict/region, I have seen countless photos of this wall. I have heard how it snakes in and out of the West Bank; cutting people off from their land, friends, and families; allowing Israel to expropriate land; and on and on. Despite my familiarity via photos, seeing it in real life was nothing short of surreal. It is huge. And an ever-present reminder of this belligerent occupation.

It is a wall of imprisonment.

However, our friends and partners show amazing patience and grace in its shadow. From this wall, the IDF just last week sprayed their infamous "skunk water" (Google it!) At the children on Wiam's playground. Yet they do not hate. Usama could not cross the check point with us today because he is Palestinian. Yet he does not hate.

Aida Refugee Camp

Aida is one of three refugee camps in and around Bethlehem city. It has about 5,000 residents, the majority of whom are under 18 and, therefore, do not know life elsewhere. These refugees represent over 30 Palestinian villages that were either destroyed or "cleansed" during Israel's war of independence (or the "Nakba" in Arabic, meaning "catastrophe) in 1948.

Aida stands in the shadow of a large Israeli settlement. Settlements are illegal under the Fourth Geneva Convention, yet there are approximately 750,000 Israeli settlers in the West Bank. Like the wall, the juxtaposition of these settlements, refugee camps, and the wall, is a harsh reminder of the enduring injustice in this place. Usama called these "the unholy trinity."

Aida is crowded, devoid of green space and trees. But it is a neighborhood, and people live their lives there. Our friends at Alrowwad provide a library and cultural center for Aida's residents. There are seeds of hope and change growing in the ugliest of places.

I have a lot to learn from these peacemakers. I hope that others will learn with me.

Holy Land, Day 1

Alright. We have arrived in the Holy Land. I would say "without a hitch," but Mom and I got detained for a minute at passport control at Ben-Gurion, likely due to her 2-year passport. Or just because the agents were on a power trip. Oh, well... just another taste of the injustice so many people experience on a far larger scale every day.

We will be spending the next six nights here in Bethlehem while we spend our days meeting with various Palestinian groups and individuals working for peace, as well as seeing the sites here and in Jerusalem. From here, we go to Ibillin, Israel. I will do my best to share about these visits as the next week and a half progresses. But for now, allow me to introduce my new friend, Usama...

Usama works with Wiam, a Palestinian conflict resolution center. (This predictive text won't allow me to type it correctly; there's an apostrophe in the middle.) He is a native Palestinian Christian and traces his family and their discipleship of Jesus to the 1st century. Literally the world's oldest Christian community.

He shared with us this evening that while there are a total of 4 million Palestinian Christians throughout the world, there are only 50,000 in the West Bank and Gaza. Let me drive that point home: only 50,000 Christians in the birthplace of and lands where Jesus walked, lived, and taught. They have, like all Palestinians, suffered immense persecution here, and I am grateful for the opportunity to meet and learn from them.

Usama did speak a bit this evening about the vast and profound need for counseling and mental health care among Palestinians, particularly in light of the most-recent assault on Gaza. Needless to say, his words struck me hard. Despite all of the difficulty surrounding him, I can see that this man has great faith and a desire to see justice done in this place. Praise Jesus for his witness, fervor, and faith! (And a shout-out to him for switching my Kindle 's keypad from Arabic so I could type left-to-right and write this post.)

The most impactful moment for me today was driving through the checkpoint as we crossed into Bethlehem. The separation wall (that I have read about and seen in so many pictures) is terribly sobering. It snakes in and out of the West Bank and is twice as high as the Berlin Wall. I have never been in a place where the oppression was so blatant, systematic, and out-in-the-open. It's a whole new ballgame, so to speak.

I anticipate the coming days to be challenging, joyful, educational, and difficult, so stay tuned!

(I can now say that I celebrated my birthday where Jesus was born!) 

mean

Here's the thing: sometimes I'm just plain mean. This is not an attempt at self-deprication. My behavior and words are really awful a lot of times. I am my own worst critic, but I think that I'm pretty objective in saying that I have a lot to work on when it comes to controlling my mouth and not reacting in anger when things don't go my way.

I think that it is our basic instinct to react negatively when we are inconvenienced. Or to retaliate when others wrong us. When someone insults me (or just says something I don't like), my impulse is to strike back. My general attitude is one of "I don't take crap from anyone." Probably in the eyes of the world at-large, this is a good stance; we glorify those who are strong, independent, and even domineering. But in God's economy, this doesn't necessarily work.

I'm all about the apology, to be honest. I suffer from serious guilt-gut when I shoot my mouth off, and I'm quick to apologize and (attempt to) rectify the situation. But I would like to offer a blanket apology for my crappy behavior, failure to control my mouth, and for my quickness to act in anger.

Like so many sin issues, this is about more than simply controlling behavior. It's symptomatic of something deeper- perhaps a desire for justification or afirmation. I'm still working through what it might be in my case- doing some self-analysis, so to speak. For now, I am going to try to do better.

"Anger is never without a reason, but seldom with a good one." 
-B. Franklin 

Next Steps

I figure it would be good to share what I'll be doing after I leave Guatemala, at least initially, that is. While I am quite sad to leave here, there are a number of things I'm looking forward to when I get home, and that is making this transition a bit easier. I am very grateful for that.

My job search is ongoing, and I am continuing to work with my career counselor. I get to Atlanta on October 2nd, and the first week or so that I am back, I plan to meet with some folks for the purpose of networking and defining my job search goals. (If you have any contacts in the counseling world, don't be shy about passing them along!) I will also head up to Greenville for a couple days to be with my community group and visit some other friends.

Then, on October 14th, my mom and I are going with Pilgrims of Ibillin to Palestine and Israel. This is- to put it succinctly- a dream come true. I have been involved with the Palestinian liberation movement for a number of years and am so excited about this opportunity to bear direct witness to the occupation as well as the non-violent movements going on in the region. Stay tuned! And check out Pilgrims of Ibillin if you are not familiar with them: http://www.pilgrimsofibillin.org/

On our way back from P/I, Mom and I are going to spend a few days in New York City! And from there, the plan is to be in Atlanta while continuing to network and job search. - I am trying to keep in mind that my ideal timeline may not be realistic or that things may not progress as I would wish. As my career counselor has told me, it is helpful to think of the job search as a journey rather than a to-do list with a specific end date. This is tough for me, but I am trying to trust that the Lord has something in store.

Since I will be in Atlanta until January, I plan to attend Trinity Anglican Mission, which I attended off and on during grad school as well as during the summers when I worked at CJL. Trinity has continued to be a blessing to me here in Guatemala, and I am looking forward to getting more involved once I'm back. I plan to join a community group as well as the choir for the Lessons and Carols festival in December. I figure that if I'm going to be in Atlanta, I need to be in Atlanta- to be involved and to cultivate community.

I don't enjoy looking into the unknown, yet I am excited about all of the aforementioned. And I am incredibly grateful (beyond words, actually) to my parents and their generosity- for providing me a home and for their constant support and guidance. Thanks, Mom and Dad!

See y'all Stateside!

funeral

It's been an exhausting few days. Thursday afternoon, we found out that the father of a friend from our Bible study was killed while driving his car. I didn't know him well, but had spoken with him a few times and believed him to be a man of integrity and kindness. It is no secret that violence runs rampant in this country, but to watch people I personally know and care about have their world turned upside down by it has been jarring, to say the least.

We attended the wake Thursday night as well as the burial yesterday. Much like sitting with our clients, I find these spaces to be holy. It is not easy, but entering into someone else's pain is a privilege. Both suffering and joy are universal experiences. We are not so different from one another, regardless of where we live.

I have now attended a wedding and a funeral here. Not things I expected to do, to be honest. And while the latter has been less-than-enjoyable, these events are proof that this has become home- that people have let me into their lives. For that, I am very grateful.

Please pray for my friend and her family. And may we pray for peace to overcome evil in this place. 

No Language

My fellow interns and I joke a lot about how we can't speak Spanish or English anymore. Last week, I asked Matt, "What is the opposite of 'unisex'? You know, like a school that has both boys and girls?" Google taught us that it is "coed." Even Andrea, who is Bolivian, now says that her bilingualism has led to incompetence in both languages. Of course, it's not really that serious, but it is odd when I have to use the online translator because I can't think of a word in English. (And of course, I still haven't totally mastered Spanish; not sure that I ever will.) 

Vocabulary struggles aside, there is something more to this theme of not being able to come up with adequate words. In every season of life, I find a song that conveys my feelings and thoughts better than I ever could. As I stand with one foot in Guatemala and the other about to land in the U.S.- with my mind all over the place- my song is "Side By Side" by Sleeping At Last.

There is no language for what we've seen,

Only the sweetness that bends us to our knees,

And all of these fumbling words to explain what it means,

But our hearts were buried deep in the sand. 

This year has been beyond words. I have stepped into places of great pain and become acquainted with the sufferings of the poor in a way that I never have before. I have laughed a lot and cried a lot too. The Lord has allowed me to know so many wonderful people who have challenged and encouraged me, and I have had difficulties with others as well. There is so much to be said about my experience here, and I imagine that it will be a long time before I have adequately processed it. Part of me believes that this season of life will continue to teach me things for the rest of my life, long after I've left. 

I think that I feel a sense of urgency to be able to summarize this past year in a number of words. But I think that is an unreasonable expectation. There really are not any words sufficient to describe any of our clients' stories. Nor are there words good enough to convey all of the ups and downs I have personally experienced. Of course, I look forward to sharing about my experience with those who are eager to hear, but I will maintain the belief that some things are beyond words. 

September 11th...13 years on

Honestly, what strikes me most about this being the 13th anniversary of 9/11 is that it's been 13 years since I was in 10th grade. It was arguably my best year of high school and honestly, does not seem that long ago. But I'm straying from the point here.

Today continues to be an emotional day for so many of us who claim U.S. citizenship. I spent the better part of that day completely confused (because I arrived late to the assembly in which our dean told us what had happened), and from there I began to learn what it means to feel vulnerable on behalf of people I don't know and to rally with others in nationalism. Being a U.S. citizen had never really meant much to me before 9/11, and in the wake of all of the anger, fear, and sadness, that began to change.

But now I think of all of the things I have learned since that day. My view of the world has been turned upside down. I am now painfully aware of all the destruction my country has wrought throughout the world in the name of "freedom" and "democracy." Heck. For the past year, I have been living in a country that has been left shattered by the arrogant, misguided, greedy policies and interventionism of the U.S. I know full well that we have made a royal mess of things.

This morning I was perusing Facebook (I enjoy seeing what people are up to and what people are saying.), and I got my feathers all ruffled when I saw that a number of people had posted "God Bless America." I confess that these words make me so angry. The United States is not God's favorite country; it is not an example of goodness and virtue. God has already told us what He blesses, what things please Him. It is wrong for us to invoke His blessing on things that are inherently different from the character of Jesus or those things which will not bring His kingdom to earth. Jesus does not bless bombs. He does not bless those who take up arms. He does not bless things done in the name of arrogance and hatred.

I realize that these may be inflammatory things to say. I know many people who would staunchly oppose what I am saying here. But I hold these beliefs with great conviction. I do not hate the U.S. But I do mourn the fact that the U.S. marches around claiming to be the manifestation of God's will while not looking anything like Jesus. We can do better.

Too often we just do what makes sense to us and ask God to bless it.  In the Beatitudes, God tells us what God blesses – the poor, the peacemakers, the hungry, those who mourn, those who show mercy – so we should not ask God’s blessing on a declaration that we will have no mercy on evildoers.  And we know all too well that we have a God who shows mercy on evildoers, for if he didn’t, we’d all be in big trouble, and for that, this evildoer is very glad.  Rather than do what makes sense to us and ask God’s blessing, we’d do better to surround ourselves with those whom God promises to bless, and then we do not need to ask God’s blessing.

Retreat

We survived the retreat! More than survived, actually; it was a great success! Let's back up for a second: Marissa, a former intern, and her husband as well as my parents donated a significant amount of money so that we could hold a spiritual retreat for a group of our clients. PTL for their generosity!

The night of the retreat, we had a campfire during which we gave the girls the chance to write on a slip of paper the name of someone who hurt them and to then throw it into the fire as a symbolic act of forgiveness. I was sitting back, observing, and I just couldn't stop thinking about how absurd it is that every single one of them has suffered sexual abuse. And that for each one of them, there are so many more girls and boys who will likely never see justice served or be given the chance to heal.

It was special to see these girls in a different environment and to give them the chance to learn about the Lord and His love for them as well as to just allow them to have fun and be kids. We had a total of 29 girls attend, aged 11 to 19, along with 6 babies. I believe that all but one of the babies were a result of the abuse that the mother suffered. (I don't think I'll ever get over seeing a 12 year-old with a baby.)

I had some awesome moments when I was able to connect with a few girls one-on-one. I am grateful, as always, for the privilege of getting to know these brave young women. No one should ever have to suffer what they have; but their courage and recovery are proof that with adequate, consistent help that restoration is possible.

I don't say this to be prideful, but our work here is important. It is messy and not usually very streamlined: sometimes parents don't cooperate; the judicial process moves at a glacial pace; these families live in poverty that brings with it many challenges; the clients themselves are not always angelic. But despite these obstacles and challenges, these kids deserve to be safe. My time here is coming to a close, and it has been an immense privilege to be a part of this work and to play a small part in securing justice for those who would otherwise have no defender.

May there truly be Justice For All.

Weekend Update

All in all, it's been a good weekend...

• Friday, I spent 5 hours at the MP (public prosecutor's office) with a client. She bravely testified, and that is worth praise; however, this client has both a speech impediment and a pretty severe mental disability, and she spontaneously talked about another perpetrator during the interview (She was there to testify about one perpetrator in particular.). So we ended up having to stick around so that they could take an additional testimony and make further notes for the case. I've said it a million times, and I'll say it again: the fight for justice is messy, long, and most of the time, far from streamlined. 
• I've been able to tune into the U.S. Open via radio and video stream. (I'm old enough that this technology still blows my mind.) Friday I watched Federer and Eugenie Bouchard win their matches, and today I listened to Caroline Wozniacki knock out Sharapova. - Go Caro! 
• Yesterday, after seeing an absurd parade of middle school marching bands as I walked to the gym, I attended a co-worker's wedding. I was (and still am) so flattered to have been invited to their nuptials. Here's a photo of a few of us from the reception:

I really need a haircut. Ugh.

• Today I did some reading, ran errands, and did some work on my LinkedIn profile and job search. I admit that I had a mini-meltdown in the midst of the job searching. I have moments in which I feel totally defeated, without any reason to hope that I will ever find a job that's not totally crappy. I really do want to believe that God has something in store for me- and not just any job, but something that I will be good at and enjoy. After allowing myself to be upset and praying to Jesus that He would provide and help me to defeat my pessimism, I forged ahead and ended up finding applicable job postings at two facilities in Atlanta. Thank you, Lord, for these small reminders of provision. And for simply showing me that there are jobs out there. 

Tomorrow is not Labor Day here in Guatemala. But that's cool. I've got 17 work days left, and I want to make the most of them. (Where has this year gone?)  

Mourning, Binding, and Loosing

Over the past few days, the Lord has been teaching me how to respond better to all of the tragedy in this world. It's no secret that I am a news addict and make a concerted effort to be informed about current events. (It's not uncommon for me to spend hours on end reading the news and researching the issues at hand. I probably have a problem, if I'm honest.) It's also no secret that the world seems to be completely falling apart. No doubt anyone who is the least bit informed is feeling pessimistic about what the future holds and impotent when it comes to addressing any of the day's issues and conflicts.

The lesson that Jesus is teaching me began when I read an article on Red Letter Christians, which is an organization that provides commentary and articles about current events from a Biblical perspective- or rather, in light of Jesus' words- that is, the Bible's red letters. I have provided a link to the article at the bottom of this entry.

In short, the author tells us that as we read about and engage with the suffering in our world, that we should be intentional in sitting with the pain. Romans 12:15 reads "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." Of course, it's easy enough to mourn with people close to us and to sit in sadness over things in our direct circle. But in this passage, Paul does not differentiate; therefore, we may conclude that his instructions apply to all circumstances. We are to mourn over all injustice and to stand in solidarity with all who suffer.

When I read the news, I mostly get annoyed and angry. I feel hatred towards those perpetuating violence and annoyance with people who are uninformed. And then I try to get on with my day. I know that there has to be a better way to respond, and I believe that Jesus is teaching me what that is. I want to be more intentional about processing and sitting with what I read and to cultivate compassion as I do so.

Last night I listened to an awesome sermon from Trinity Anglican, and it carried me forward in this theme. In Matthew 16, Jesus takes His disciples to Ceasarea Philippi, and there in the context of pagan worship, He asks them who people say He is. After Peter says that he believes Jesus is the Messiah, Jesus gives him the "keys of heaven." That is, He entrusts Peter with the work of the Kingdom of God. And that work is to bind and loose things in Jesus' name. To bring His kingdom to earth.

I love what the Lord is teaching me here. It is not enough for me to be informed. It is my duty (and perhaps even my privilege) to mourn with those suffering around me. But it doesn't stop there. Jesus has entrusted me (and all of us who follow Him) to bring His kingdom to this sick, sad, hurting world. It's a tall order, but it sure beats sitting around and getting annoyed.

http://www.redletterchristians.org/mourn-gaza-israel-tweet/

Gratitude and other stuff

Fran here. First off, I want to share an article from IJM HQ about the pinning ceremony we had here a couple weeks ago. It is always a really special event; these kids have been so brave, and their testimony is critical to achieving justice for them and their families. This time, a few clients whom I know pretty well received their pins, so it was extra special for me!

http://news.ijm.org/ijm-president-calls-guatemalan-children-his-superheroes/

In other news, I have recently been intentional about practicing gratitude. I am so often bogged down in anger, jealousy, and arrogance, so I am making a concerted effort to be thankful for all of the good things in my life. The other day, I was even so dorky as to make a list, so here it is:

• Family
• Friends
• My parents' insane generosity
• Cool life experiences, including this season here in Guatemala
• The Lord's provision and salvation
• Health (for the most part, that is)
• Aptitudes 

That is, of course, not an exhaustive list, but it's been very helpful for me to do this; I have seen my negative emotions abate, and that is quite freeing.

As of today, I go home in 39 days. Ouch. I am not terribly eager to leave Guatemala, but I have gotten a bit more excited about being back in Atlanta for a season. I plan to get more involved with the church I attend there as well as to get in a lot of qt with family and friends. - I would appreciate prayers for discernment, provision, and patience as I search for a job and figure out these next steps.

Intense Moments, Good Reminders

It's been quite a day! A lot of stimulation and human interaction for this introvert.

This morning, I got to observe a Cámara Gessel, which is the closed-circuit interview in which children testify about the abuse they have suffered or witnessed. It's not terribly different from what one might imagine: There is a room in which the psychologist and the child sit, and then on the other side of a one-way mirror sit the defense and prosecuting attorneys, a judge, the alleged perpetrator, and in this case, me. I had previously been denied entry a number of times, so it was even more exciting to be there. The case in question was quite interesting, and while I cannot divulge any details, hearing this child's story once again reiterated the necessity of our work here.

This afternoon, we had our first monthly boys' group. We've been hosting a group for adolescent girls for some time, so it was nice to interact with the little dudes for once. They are, predictably, hilarious and a little rambunctious, which I find highly entertaining. We decided to split them into two groups: middle schoolers and the little ones, you know, for a little crowd control. I stayed with the little guys, and they were just so sweet!

Once we all came back together, I noticed that one kid had begun to cry; one of my fellow interns sat with him, while I talked with his little brother. These two are very new clients and are such sweet, well-mannered kids. As they were all leaving, the older of the two went out of his way to shake hands with the male group leader. I mean, seriously! First of all, to see a child with such a sweet spirit and great manners, and then to know what he has been through. Needless to say, I will probably have a good cry later. It probably sounds cliche, but moments like these remind me of how we are called to sow peace right where we are and to love those right around us. (I needed that reminder.)

Other Points of Interest

• I had dinner with two excellent ladies last night- Melissa, a fellow intern & Lorena, a friend from Bible study. I'm very thankful for their friendship. 
• As of yesterday, I leave Guatemala in 8 weeks. Let's not talk about it. 
• TGIF! - Looking forward to a relaxing yet productive weekend.
• My iPhone is on a trip to the U.S. right now. (It will have been Stateside more than me over the past year.)

the darkness in my heart

As I type this, I am filled with anger, sadness, and despair. The issue of Israel/Palestine has long been very important to me, and the current strife is just about all I can think (and read) about.

In all honesty, I care more about this issue than any other in the world. Of course, I care about other things, but nothing gets me even nearly as pumped up. I learned about the region's history and the occupation after my parents traveled there in 2006; before that, my attitude was something akin to "The U.S. supports Israel, and that's the way it is." I am not proud of this former ignorance, but that may be precisely why I am so passionate about seeing justice be done in the Holy Land.

I want other people to wake up to the reality of the situation. I want people to see both sides as humans worthy of respect. I want to see respect for international law. I want people to stop equating the word "Palestinian" with "terrorist." I want people to stop assuming that modern-day Israel is the same as Biblical Israel. I want people to care even a fraction of how much I care*.

I want these things with all of my heart. As I continue to learn about this conflict, I feel the anger and bitterness grow in my heart. I know that a desire for peace and justice cannot be rooted in revenge or hatred. But hatred is easy. I don't have it in me to do anything else.

And maybe that's just it: on my own, I cannot overcome the ugliness in my heart. I admit that I am reluctant to turn from my natural inclination to return evil for evil and to, instead, ask the Lord to help me respond in a manner worthy of His sacrifice. Yet I know that I cannot call for an end to violence and injustice thousands of miles away if I am not willing to confront and battle the darkness in my own heart. Lawd, help me...

*The silver lining in my involvement with issue has been the gift of meeting fellow activists over the past few weeks. I am insanely grateful for their solidarity and boldness. 

The Weight of the World

I'm so very tired as I type this. But it's a good tired. Tired from an awesome trip with my buddies to Belize*! Praise the Lord for the opportunity to unplug, be in a remote and beautiful place, and just enjoy hanging out with others (and by myself). As awesome as the trip was, it creates this strange clash within me...

Having not checked email or read the news since Saturday morning, I booted up my Mac last night to check in, and my immediate reaction was "Well, crap. Back to reality." I had a bunch of dumb emails; the situation in Gaza has deterioriated beyond belief; and I am reminded of the need to plow forward with the job search. With all of this, I find myself slipping back into carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.

How can one find a balance between being informed and maintaining a healthy perspective? I know that even Jesus took time to be with friends, to eat, and to sleep. (Note: I don't have any trouble sleeping. It's my favorite activity.) But sometimes it's difficult for me to set aside my worries about the world and just enjoy things without feeling even a little bit guilty. I often find myself annoyed with others because I think that they don't care enough about big issues. I don't want to totally disengage and live in denial because it is this very behavior that I criticize in others. Yet I don't want to be constantly bummed out because of all that I know.

My prayer is that I would find that balance. That I will be able to continue to be an informed citizen, yet not one who is so engrossed in current events that it puts a damper on my attitude at all times. I want to care and to encourage others to do so as well. I want my interest to spark interest in others. And I want to also enjoy all that I have, living gratefully. Jesus, help me!

In other news... two months from tomorrow will be my last day at the office here. Wow.

*Photos to come.

Resume-Induced Introspection

I just got done with the most recent draft of my resume and, in the process, came face-to-face with my fears. At the most basic level, I am afraid that I just straight-up will never find a job. Yet while this fear sits beside me constantly, I am also afraid that someone may read my resume and think that I am capable of more than I really am or that I might find myself in a job/position that I am ill-equipped to handle. 

Maybe I should add "being her own worst critic" to my Skills section on my resume. I mean, I'm really good at it! 

Who knew that working on a resume would be the catalyst for such introspection? 

In other news...This week was tough at times but good overall.  

• I was privileged to go along on two home visits for new clients, and while it was a tough experience, I am really grateful for all of the face-to-face interaction I have with these precious people whom we serve.
• In an attempt to spread knowledge and facilitate discussion (about Palestine & Israel), I unwittingly angered some people. I am well aware that it is a contentious issue, but it's extremely important to me, and as such, it's difficult when others are not interested or even hostile to having the discussion. Oh well...
• My fellow interns and I are heading to Belize tomorrow! 

Over and out. 

The Cost of Caring

A lot of nights, a woman sleeps outside the main entrance to our building. If we happen to come in late, she will stir and just look at us; and then after an awkward second or so, she lays back down, and we go on inside. I've entertained the idea of leaving her some food or money or whatever before but never actually have.

Tonight, I was returning from Bible study, and she was just closing the little gate and then began to put her stuff down. I came on in, said hi (Well, technically, I said "hola.") and asked her if she needed anything. She noticeably stiffened and said "No." I countered with "Are you sure?" to which she responded "Yes." (with an implied "Please don't ask me again."). So I came on inside, but I couldn't shake the desire to do something, to take her something. So I grabbed some crackers- a meager offering, I know- and went back down.

When I went out, she wasn't there but had already prepared her pallet and arranged her things. So I went over and set the crackers down, and then, as if out of nowhere, she showed back up (from across the street, I think). I said "I know you said that you didn't need anything, but I'm leaving these here for you. Seriously- if you need anything, please let us know." She smiled slightly and thanked me. And that was about it. Seriously: I am not sharing this story to pat myself on the back or to show what a great Christian I am. Because I'm not. It's just that now I feel this near-unbearable ache in my heart for this woman (whose name I did learn, btw).

Shane Claiborne says that the problem isn't that Christians don't care about the poor, but that we don't know them- that we don't know the faces behind the issues we presume to care about. But you know what? It's costly to get to know our fellow men. If I send a check to the United Way, it doesn't stir much within me. But if I hand food to someone, it's an emotional roller coaster. I think that maybe that's why we shy away from getting our hands dirty- because it's costly, not because we simply don't care. Although that's surely a common reason as well. Now that I know this woman's name, I can't help but care about her. I want to hug her. I want to invite her into my house.  I want her to be there tomorrow so that I can give her something else. I want her to be safe.

I've been really upset this week about what's happening in Israel/Palestine. (One only need know me the tiniest bit to know my passion for this issue.) There's so much evil and injustice there, and what makes it most difficult for me is that crappy feeling that I just can't do anything about it. So, while I'm sad right now and sorting through this torment of emotions, I am grateful for the opportunity to engage face-to-face, to do something concrete for someone else.  

“When I ask God why all of these injustices are allowed to exist in the world, I can feel the Spirit whisper to me, ‘You tell me why we allow this to happen. You are my body, my hands, my feet.'” 

Musings on 'Merica

“I love America more than any other country in the world and, exactly for this reason, I insist on the right to criticize her perpetually.” - James Baldwin 

Let me preface this entry by saying that I am currently wearing a light blue chambray dress, navy cardigan, navy flats with white polka dots, and a not-so-subtle American flag headband. I thoroughly enjoy the 4th of July, particularly the fireworks, the goofy behavior of my compatriots, and the annual Exley family reunion. Alas, I will not be enjoying any of those things this year since I am in Guatemala. But that won't keep me from sharing some thoughts on this day...

There is, understandably, a lot of talk today about "freedom" and "liberty." While we as a nation extol these values, how ironic that we we do so while suppressing these very values both within and outside our borders. We talk about how awesome it is to be free and live in a democratic nation, yet we turn away when we see liberties supressed elsewhere. We value self-determination, yet we invade other countries and overthrow their governments. We say "liberty and justice for all," but what we really mean is "liberty and justice when it's convenient for us."

"God bless America" is not in the Bible. Our country is no better than any other. Jesus does not love us more than He loves anyone else. We have not been called to violently impose our values elsewhere. Jesus came to break down walls, not to give us reasons to build them. And if we claim to follow Him, we ought to sow peace (which cannot be achieved by dropping bombs). I do a crappy job of peace-making most of the time, but I want to do better. And I want my country to do better.

Some additional thoughts from my favorite modern-day prophet, Shane Claiborne:

“Some folks may be really bummed to find that "God bless America" does not appear in the Bible. So often we do things that make sense to us and ask God to bless our actions and come alongside our plans, rather than looking at the things God promises to bless and acting alongside of them. For we know that God's blessing will inevitably follow if we are with the poor, the merciful, the hungry, the persecuted, the peacemakers. But sometimes we'd rather have a God who conforms to our logic than conform our logic to the God whose wisdom is a stumbling block to the world of smart bombs and military intelligence.” 

“How ironic is it to see a bumper sticker that says 'Jesus is the answer' next to a bumper sticker supporting the war in Iraq, as if to says 'Jesus is the answer - but not in the real world.” 

The Homestretch

This is it: I'm looking at my last three months here in Guatemala. It's the epitome of cliche, but time really has flown! As I think about the past 9 months, I recall many challenges, a few notably mistakes, many lessons learned, and countless positive memories and fun times. When I began the application process with IJM, my preference was to go to Bolivia, but I cannot imagine having been anywhere other than Guatemala. I hope that my time here will prove useful and helpful as I move forward. (I can already envision myself getting super-excited meeting Guatemalans back home.)

Even though I know that I will be sad to leave Guatemala, I want to do so with no regrets, so to speak. I want to overcome the fears and anxiety that keep me from diving in headfirst and giving my all each day. I want to work hard and leave an impression here. I want to feel as though I have made an impact. With God's help, I will.

While I want to be fully involved here, I am looking ahead, with my feet in Guatemala and my eyes looking towards life in the U.S. I do not like change, nor do I relish the uncertainty and anxiety that precede being able to make decisions about the future. A counselor I am corresponding with has given me some things to think about as I sort through that anxiety and those related fears. I want to be a fortune teller or to have full assurance that I will find a job and not flounder forever when I go home. But for now, I am going to do what I can and try to combat those insecurities.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This morning, Mom and Dad headed back home after a week-long visit here. It was really great to show them this crazy, beautiful country. I think they were quite impressed, and I am grateful that they were able to come and experience it with me. (Photos to come!)

Counseling for a Counselor

This week I had my first session with my new career counselor! I'm very excited to be working with her; it went very well, and I now have a solid to-do list regarding my resume and steps to take in order to get the ball rolling on the job search. I am incredibly grateful to my friend, Mazi, for the referral as well as to my parents for allowing me to pursue this avenue. It feels awesome to be taking such a concrete step towards the next stage of life, whatever that may be. Like I've told a few people, even if I do return home without any prospects, no one will be able to say that I didn't try.

It is really difficult for me to be staring into the unknown and to trust that the Lord has something prepared. But I try to remember all the ways He has provided for me in the past as well as to be thankful that my family and friends are so supportive and that my worth does not depend upon how quickly I find employment.

On a related note, I am seeking the help/guidance of an IJM-recommended counselor via email for some interpersonal struggles I've been having. I've found myself short on patience and with a lot of anger. I very much want to take the high road, but of course, doing so is not easy; also, I want to handle this situation in the best way possible and to not just grin and bare it. Thank you to IJM's Interns and Fellows staff for the referral.

In other news...

• My parents arrive in 5 days!
• I went to a baseball game last night- USA vs Guatemala (little league, that is). 
• Yesterday, I got my passport back with my new visa; it expires October 9th. Stay tuned for my official departure date.
• This afternoon I'm going to a baby shower, and this evening I'm going to a soccer game. (You didn't know I was so social and cool, did you?) 

That's all for now. Exley. Out. 

Books, Bracelets, and (Computer) Bugs

Here's what's up these days:

• I am currently without access to Internet or IJM's network at the office. Some glitch at HQ kicked me off of the network, so I am unable to do about 2/3 of my work. So that's cool.
• I was working on a research project regarding CSA and the potential link to women's issues, but Friday as I was digging into an article I found, I couldn't stop visualizing the abuse. I went straight to my boss and asked if I could take a reprieve from the project, calling my difficulty "not a logistical problem, but an emotional one." PTL, he completely understood and said that it was more than ok for me to give it a rest for a while. I would not say that I am experiencing full-on "compassion fatigue," but I think that I have reached a sort of saturation point in reading and hearing about abuse as well as walking alongside victims in the legal and recovery process. I'm very thankful for my boss's understanding and in general, for how IJM places great emphasis on staff care.
• Last night I saw "The Fault in Our Stars" with a few folks, and I was a total wreck afterwards. What a beautiful story that is. The film adaptation was very well done, and the casting was on-point. Gosh! I'm so happy that we are able to go the movies and just enjoy "first world pleasures" here.
• The aforementioned job search is on, but for now there's nothing of consequence to report. I am, however, seeking long-distance career counseling to get my resume in tip-top shape. 
• Friday, while waiting with clients at court*, I finished book 3 of the "Maze Runner" series. Thank you to Casey for recommending it to me. The story line is very compelling, and the character development is solid.
• *We waited at court for 3.5 hours only to see the hearing get suspended. Ugh! But our client's little sister made me a bracelet while we waited, and I am now wearing it with pride! 
• Last night at Cayala, I bought a pair of Crocs. I know, I know. Crocs?!? How dare I? But with all of the rain, I felt it was a justifiable purchase. 
• Jack comes tomorrow! 
• Mom and Dad get here in 17 days!

That's all I know for now. 'Gotta go update my resume and read the Maze Runner prequel. 

Eating the elephant

The job search is on.

Oh, how I have been dreading this. As anyone acquainted with me knows, I want everything done yesterday, and I'm a perfectionist. I have some general ideas of what I would like to do, (I would prefer to work with adults rather than children, and I would rather not work in a substance abuse facility. And as far as geography, I will go as far north as D.C. and as far west as Texas.) but staring into the great unknown is not fun for me.

I have gotten the ball rolling by working on my resume, and I am trying to make contact with everyone I know who works in the counseling field. Basically, I'm trying to eat the elephant "one bite at a time." Even though I know that these are good steps to take, I am still teetering on the edge of paralyzing anxiety. Just being "on the right track" is not enough for me. I desperately want to see what's at the end, and I want someone to give me full assurance that I will not return to the U.S. jobless, carless, and homeless. But maybe I will. At this point, only the Lord knows.

In other news, we're looking at about 36 hours of non-stop rain here in Guate.

Requests:
- Please pray for provision and guidance as I wade into the water of job searching and networking.
- Pray for protection for our clients in this deluge; not surprisingly, most of them live in precarious situations and are at great risk when we get too much rain in a short period of time.

Thank you, Aloe Blacc.

"Wake me up when it's all over, when I'm wiser and I'm older. All this time I was finding myself, and I didn't know I was lost."* 

This past week was probably the most terrible and difficult of my life, to date. I was ready to pack up my crap and go home. The aforementioned (but now deleted) altercation with my assigned in-office counselor* was just the beginning. I will not share all of the details, so let's just say that a lapse in judgment led to me unintentionally causing a lot of trouble at work. I saw what I believed to be a problematic situation, and I jumped up the hierarchy and acted as a whistleblower. And then my world imploded.

As things unfolded, my impulse was to lash out and blame others. But I tried to maintain my integrity through it all because I believe that at the end of the day, that's all I have to stand on. I explained my logic and reasoning and admitted where I went wrong and apologized. Side note: I also accepted an apology, and for that I am very grateful.

It is so tough to accept chastisement/criticism/correction with grace and humility, especially when the behavior in question is not my m.o. - I do not want anyone generalizing about me or making a judgment call on my character. Perhaps I put too much stock in what others think about me. But when it comes to integrity, many folks might say that we are what we do- that our actions say way more about us than anything we say. But what about when we mess up or act contrary to the way we strive to be? At what point is one's integrity "broken" or does your character change? Or at what point can we no longer claim to be the kind of people we say we are?

This week left me thoroughly bruised, and I've walked away with some tough lessons. I'm not yet grateful for the experience, but hopefully at some point I will be.

*I very much appreciate the folks that validated me via Facebook. I admit that the delivery was not cool, but I stand by my indignation. 

*This week's soundtrack. 

Fed Up

There is one thing I will definitely not miss about Guatemala once I am done here. And that is the disgusting, ridiculous, offensive behavior of men on the street. I have absolutely had it with all of the leering, offensive comments, and general disrespect towards me and other women. Some days it's not so bad and I can brush it off; but today was not one of those days. By the time I arrived at the office today, I was ready to punch someone in the face, declare every male in this country a big fat asshole, and hop a plane back to the States.

The anger that surges within me is scary and also sort of baffling. Anger is a secondary emotion, but I cannot be sure as to what underlies the anger and rage that I feel when these dickheads speak to me the way that they do. Maybe it's fear. Maybe it's hurt or embarrassment. Whatever it is, I shouldn't be made to feel this way.

While on the surface, this "machismo" or whatever-the-hell-you-want-to-call-it is simply annoying and offensive, I strongly believe that it is a symptom of a much deeper problem. I believe with everything in me that this piece of this culture has got to change if we are ever going to win this fight against sexual violence/abuse. Sometimes a certain oddity that we see in another culture is simply that: culture. It is just different and neither right nor wrong. But disrespect towards women is not a culturally-bound phenomenon. It is intrinsically wrong, and at no point is it acceptable for a man to objectify a woman or to say demeaning, violating things towards her.

If boys grow up seeing men speak disrespectfully towards women without consequence, what reason will they ever have to behave differently? And how can anyone truly, effectively work against such behavior? Verbal abuse is not punishable by law, but perhaps it should be. Honestly, I don't have any answers as to how anyone can effectively address this issue. I wish that I did. I suppose I could start by making a concerted effort towards treating my fellow women with more respect.

I have joked before that it would be awesome to carry around a squirt gun and any time a man says something offensive to then shoot him with it. But in all seriousness, this is a vital issue. Oppression of women may take many forms (female genital mutilation, sexual violence, CSE, domestic abuse, forbidding women to vote, oppressive dress codes, forbidding girls to go to school, etc.), but whatever form it takes, it is wrong. I would not seek to say that the verbal abuse I endure here is on par with what other women around the world deal with, but I now have had a glimpse into how entrenched are sexism and the cultural norms that underlie these issues. And I've had it!

General Update

This will, perhaps, be a disjointed entry. I don't have a "theme" in mind, nor do I have anything to go on and on about. (But that's probably a good thing for anyone dumb enough to read this blog.) So here goes...

• While each day has its challenges, I do feel comfortable here. I know my way around; I have a routine; and every day I see familiar faces. I still have trouble at the office here and there and struggle with self-doubt and feelings of insecurity; but I feel that I have, for the most part, found my place. Of course, I always have questions, and there is always going to be more to learn, but I am glad to be in a spot where I feel settled. 
• I am very thankful to the people here who have made an effort to help me and my fellow interns/fellows formulate community. Our friend, Alejandro, is so gracious to give us rides to Bible study and other places; Matt's host family had us over for dinner Saturday; Andrea's aunt and cousin have, more than once, spent time with us and shown us great hospitality. Soon after coming here to Guatemala, I resigned myself to not having any friends, but the Lord has shown me love through all of these people, and for that I am grateful.
• Bennett is leaving us at the end of this month. One of the most difficult things about being a part of IJM's internship/fellowship program is the "revolving door." There's always someone coming or going, and our common bond gets broken. I am grateful to Bennett for her patience with me and for introducing me to this culture and the people she met before I arrived. She is, in a way, a trailblazer for the four of us who will still be here after she leaves. 
• After Bennett leaves us, Andrea is planning to move in with me and Ashley. I think/hope it will be a good arrangement. 
• Over the past couple days I've done a lot of reading about the resurgence of polio. I am a news addict in general, but I have found this topic/issue to be particularly fascinating. 
• I continue to be a faithful watcher of "The Voice." It's nice to have something that's just purely entertaining and lighthearted. Ok. Maybe it's not so lighthearted considering how riled up I get when I watch people get eliminated. But it's frivolous and fun. 
• I need to start searching for a "real job" soon. It's on my agenda to get the ball rolling this coming weekend. (Holler at me if you know of any Counseling/Social Work jobs!)
• As of tomorrow, my parents will be here in 50 days! (And my friend, Jack, will be here on June 9th!)

Ok. That's all I know for now.

Looking Back and Ahead

So, I'm (finally) back in Guatemala. My trip was supposed to have been 11 days but ended up being 23 days. While the main reason for my extended stay was less than pleasant, my time in the States was so great! I had some concerns and anxieties about being back at home, but none of my fears were realized. The transition was seamless, so much so that I have said that it is as if I have two, separate, compartmentalized lives, and I just stepped out of one and into the other. I am very grateful for this gift of having more than one place to call home for now.

I was maybe a little reluctant to leave home and come back, but only because it was so great being there. I think that I did feel markedly more relaxed and at ease (vs here in Guatemala), and it was just plain awesome to enjoy the "comforts of home": driving; knowing my way around; using my iPhone; eating out; cleanliness; my pets; friends; family; shopping; TV; comfortable furniture; not having to share; not being confused/misunderstood all the time; being able to take a walk without much concern; not seeing trash everywhere; "blending in"; seeing so much diversity (I was overwhelmed with the racial/ethnic diversity while eating in the Perimeter Mall food court. Seriously.).

I doubt that I could have asked for a more enjoyable trip home. I think that having had such a good time can make going back (for good) easier. It will probably be tough leaving Guatemala, but having been given a chance to cherish people/places/things from home might make that transition less difficult. Here's hoping that I do not return to the U.S. jobless, carless, and homeless!

Medical Update: All of the diagnostic tests came back negative (PTL for that!), so I am being treated for SIBO- small intestinal bacterial overgrowth. It is difficult to know how/why it developed, but I have been instructed to stop taking Cipro, and I am currently on a strong antibiotic.

Prayer Requests:
- For the remainder of my time here. As I think about the coming months, I want them to be a time of learning and enjoyment. I do not want to have any regrets when I leave here.
- For what lies beyond my time here in Guatemala. At this point, it is the great unkown. Please pray for guidance and provision.
- That I can overcome my fears and anxieties and serve well.
- For my brother and his family as they transition to life in St. Simons Island!

Praise:
- For such a great time at home- for a time of rest, fellowship, and renovation
- That my GI issues are nothing too serious or untreatable.

Furlough Reflection

Today is the day I was to originally return to Guatemala from my stint here in the States; however, due to some health-related issues, I'll be here until the 6th. While I'm not happy about tomorrow's impending colonoscopy (TMI?), I'm glad to have a few more days here. Friday I'm taking a little road trip to Birmingham to visit some folks, and I've been able to see a few other people I wasn't originally planning on having the pleasure to see.

Despite all of my worries concerning being here, my time at home has been nothing short of awesome! I've told a few people that it feels as though my two lives (Guatemala and the U.S.) have been compartmentalized, and I simply stepped out of one and into the other. I've rarely thought about Guatemala since being here, except when sharing about it with friends and family. Honestly, my life there seems so far removed from things here. I guess, in a way, that is the case; but it's almost as if I never left here. I have worried that that means that maybe I haven't changed. But that simply is not true.

As I head back to Guatemala, I want to make sure to make the most of the rest of my time there. I don't have a ton of regrets from my first 6 months there- maybe just that I allowed myself to get stressed out a lot and allowed my pride and fear of embarrassment to get me down. Over the next 6 months, I would like to not be so concerned about "messing up" and not doing things perfectly and to just do my best, be obedient and work/act without fear. My battle with perfectionism has been a very long one, and maybe the rest of my time in Guatemala could be somewhat of a victory over it.

Prayer Requests:

• For my health- that my dr. would figure out what's going on and that the necessary treatment would be easy and succinct.
• For my return to Guatemala- that the transition back to work and everything there would be seamless. 
• For serenity and wisdom as I begin to make plans for life post-Guatemala

Home Sweet Home?

Last night, I talked a bit with some fellow expats about heading home. Monica, the wife of our Church Mobilization Fellow, is heading to the U.S. in less than a week...for good. She shared how she got a bit nervous when their family went to the States for Christmas as well as how it is not uncommon that people at home are not really interested to hear about your experience abroad. I admit that I am nervous about going home tomorrow.

Things I'm looking forward to*:

• Chick-fil-A
• Hanging out with my pets
• Target
• Telling others about Guatemala

 Things I'm not looking forward to*:

• Atlanta traffic (Shoot me now!)
• Being appalled at how expensive things are
• Feeling out of place
• My dentist appointment

Of course, I am excited about my trip because there are things and people I miss that I will get to enjoy; however, the past few weeks have been really good for me here in Guatemala, and I am dreading all of those typical, reverse culture shock happenings. (I'm still debating about whether or not to throw the toilet paper in the toilet while I'm there because I really like throwing it in the trash can. It just seems to make more sense.) But seriously- Will the euphoria of being home wear off and leave me feeling out of place and stuck between two cultures? Will people want to really listen and hear about my experience? Will I get angry at people and the way things are done in the States? Will I be able to tell others about my life in Guatemala in a way that accurately conveys my experience?

I had a tough time when I returned from my semester in Argentina, and I hope that by reflecting on that experience and recognizing the potentiality/possibility that this trip might be difficult at times will help me. If you're reading this, please pray that my time would be restful and not stressful. And if you see me while I'm in the U.S., please check in with me and help me navigate this odd space.

*This is not a comprehensive list.

Día de Gozo

Today has been full of joy, and for that I am so thankful. 1) This morning, a former colleague asked me to complete a secret mission for her while I'm in the States, so that's terribly exciting. (I cannot, herein, divulge any additonal information regarding said mission.)

2) This afternoon, I went with our Aftercare director to accompany a client in an Ob-Gyn appointment. The client in question is the primary participant in one of our longest cases, dating back to 2007. She was initially a victim of apparent trafficking and has since returned to the capital, been placed in an Aftercare home, escaped, lived on the streets, abused drugs, sold drugs, been a victim of horrific abuse, and become pregnant. About a month ago, she was once again found to be living in the streets, in a notoriously seedy area of Guatemala City. Our investigators were able to rescue her and she has since been living in an Aftercare/rehab facility.

So, this afternoon... The doctor, who-Praise God!-provided the gyno exam free of charge, began to conduct the ultrasound, and after a few minutes looked up and said quite matter-of-factly, "She is not pregnant." Praise the Lord for this! It may sound to some like an odd thing to be happy about, but no doubt this sweet girl does not need the added pressure of impending motherhood, given her situation. Our priority is her restoration and security, and we are overjoyed at the lifting of this burden. Perhaps the Lord worked a strange miracle. Or perhaps she never was pregnant to begin with. Whatever the case, it is a positive development in this difficult situation. I am in awe of my supervisor's commitment to this case- the way she persists in prayer and appears to never doubt the ability or faithfulness of the Lord to bring about a miracle for this girl. My prayer is that today's happening would just be the beginning of a flood of miraculous news in this case. May it be so!

3) This afternoon, one of my co-workers poured out her heart to me as I ate my lunch. It began with an unsolicited question and slowly morphed into a counseling session of sorts. At times, I wonder why I am here, or I bemoan the fact that I am not (yet) getting much clinical experience. But I have been intentional with this person in asking how she is doing each day and asking about her family, and there she goes- soliciting my advice and opinion. (Of course, a therapist's job is not to give his/her opinión, but even so, it was special to have that one-on-one time, to just listen, offer words of advice and comfort.)

4) This week we've had some visitors from HQ, one of whom is our director of Contingency Operations. He is a retired U.S. Army colonel, has an impressive CV and is quite the character. This morning, before he departed, he conducted a briefing, in order to further improve the security of our office. I am continuously amazed at how well IJM cares for its employees, and I couldn't be more grateful! But more than that, I was very touched that he took the time to thank us for our work, to encourage us, and tell us what a good job we are doing. Most notable was his observation that our office really acts like a family, which he says is not the case in all offices. Praise be to the Lord for bringing me here to this place, for allowing me to know these people and to be a part of this community.

5) I head home in 2 days, but given all that I have written above, I can say that I will miss Guatemala while I am gone.

That's all, folks.

Update: Bullet Point Style

Just a quick update on the goings-on in my life here:

• 'Been quite busy at work: I spent last week making preparations for this coming week's Aftercare training. Generally, I enjoy the administrative side of things, but I was all but chained to my desk making arrangements, printing training materials, figuring out finance stuff, and all of those other logistics, and I got really sick of it. My hat goes off to the interns who do all of that junk all of the time!
• I've been struggling with anger a lot- whether it's towards my roommates for not being as clean/tidy as I would like them to be; at people who walk so insanely slow on the sidewalks; or just at any given situation. At times, I wish I could just haul off and slap someone. And I'm not even really sure where this anger is coming from. It is difficult to psychoanalyze myself, but I've always been a control freak, so maybe the root of the issue lies there. I don't know... 
• I've been amazed at how the Lord has made connections between me and other people- seeing His providence, foresight, and planning: Our Aftercare specialist is here this week (doing the aforementioned training), and it turns out that she knows some of my Honduran friends because she grew up there (Her parents were missionaries with Church of the Brethren). And one year ago, I was sitting at lunch with Rene, Brad, ReJean; and here we are now- me about halfway through my time here, and Rene with about a month to go. It's just awesome to see how God has connected and re-connected me with people. I hope I never cease to be amazed by those things.
• As of tomorrow, I go home in 11 days! I'm not eager to leave Guatemala because I like it here a lot, but I am looking forward to spending time with people I love, eating some delicious food, and just enjoying the comforts of home. I am a bit worried that being there might be difficult- whether because I feel disconnected from life at home or because I may not be able to accurately convey my experience to others. I just know that oftentimes it can be difficult to return home after a stint away, especially in a place that others do not know, doing work that is taxing and difficult to share. 
• My hair has been uncooperative, to say the least. I think that the water here is really bad on it. I mean, we don't drink the water, so it can't be doing anything good for my locks. This is petty, I know; but curly hair is challenging in any situation, but mine is just downright unruly these days. 'Hoping some hair therapy while I'm home will help the situation. 

That's all I know for now. You stay classy, whoever's reading this. 

Weekend Update (without Seth Myers)

The weekends here are really great! And yesterday (and today so far) was no exception. Yesterday, Bennett and I went with Rene and his family to Antigua. I enjoy the time I get to spend with them; it's nice to be around a family, and their boys are a constant source of entertainment!

While in Antigua, I went to meet the family with whom I will be staying during Semana Santa. (My boss lived with them for a time before he became our FOD.) Everyone says that Semana Santa in Antigua is not to be missed, so I'm excited to check it out! After we all had some time to tootle around, we met back up at Sabe Rico, which is one of our favorite restaurants in Antigua. All of the tables are outside, hidden in little nooks in a beautiful garden. It's a real oasis. And the food is great too!

Last night, Rene and Monica hosted "Game Night" (Uh, how cool are we?) at their place, and it was super-fun. There was, honestly, more hanging out than game-playing, but that was totally cool with me. I really treasure the time with my fellow interns and the cool folks we've met here; it's awesome to just hang out and laugh (and speak English, of course.) I also got to hold our friends, Sam and Hannah's, baby for a while. He's such a cutie...and so cuddly! (There really is something so therapeutic about holding babies/kids.) Oh! And I tried "gringas" for the first time- a delicious concoction: meat in corn tortillas, covered in delicious (and spicy) sauces. Yum!

Quite often, I find myself in awe of how the Lord has provided community for me here. I often miss people from home, but last night was one of those times in which I stopped and was overcome with gratitude for the people He has allowed me to meet and spend time with in this place.

I am the problem.

Is it just me, or does the world seem to really be going to hell in a handbasket? I definitely think that the world has always and always will be full of problems, oppressive governments, and just general suffering; but I just can't help but feel that all news is bad news these days. One of my daily rituals is to look at BBC's "Day in Pictures," and lately, almost every photo is one of a region in strife. It's as if the Olympics are the only current event that is not related to an armed conflict. But, even the Olympics are steeped in controversy and the apparent oppression of the Russian people by their government.

I've always prided myself on being informed, and I really do enjoy learning about current events. But, as of late, when I read about the civil war in Syria, the unrest in Ukraine, the cluster f#%& that is Africa, and other stories, I am pretty much unmoved. Maybe my apathy is related to the inundation of tragedy I see here in Guatemala. Or maybe it's just that the world is so messy that not much seems surprising/shocking anymore.

When we read about some tragedy, whether manmade or natural, we're often moved to ask "What can I do about it?" only to quickly answer that question with "Not much. I'm here. The problem is there. And that's that." At least, that's how I feel these days. I should believe more in the power of prayer, but it's exhausting to pray day after day and just see things getting worse.

This afternoon, I was reminded of a chapter in Donald Miller's Blue Like Jazz, in which he tells of going to a peaceful protest at an event where Pres. George W. Bush was present. Many people at the event were holding signs, decrying what they thought to be the faults of Bush's policies, and maybe they were right in what they said. But it is D.M.'s words that came to my mind this afternoon:

"More than my questions about the efficacy of social actions were my questions about my own motives. Do I want social justice for the oppressed, or do I just want to be known as a socially active person? I spend 95 percent of my time thinking about myself anyway. I don't have to watch the evening news to see the world is bad. I only have to look at myself. I am not brow beating here, I am only saying that true change, true living giving, God-honoring change would have to start with the individual. I was the very problem I had been protesting. I wanted to make a sign that read “I am the problem” -Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz

There is so much truth (and conviction) in what he says. When I read about the violence in Syria, my reaction is to say "Violent extremism is the problem." or "Assad is evil." But really, it is me who is evil. When I get angry at my roommates, I am sowing hate and not peace. I cannot pray for "peace on Earth" and then turn around and curse the very people in front of me. I cannot ask God to bring an end to violence and then be impatient with those around me. If I say that I am a supporter of nonviolence (which I am), then I must practice nonviolence in all of my actions: in what I say, in what I do, and in how I treat others. I am the problem.

Talk like a Chapín

Here are some Guatemalan phrases/words that I have learned and sometimes use...

Chapin/Chapina: slang term Guatemalans use to refer to themselves/all things Guatemalan.

Patojo/Patoja: "kid" or "child"

Seño: Kind of like how in English we use "Ms." if we don't know if a woman is married or single. Although "seño" is applicable for both men and women. Most commonly heard over the phone or from people in shops and markets. (Ex: "¿Qué busca, seño?" (Translation: What are you looking for, ma'am/sir?").

"A la gran púchica" (or just "a la gran" or just "púchica"): Originally, a Salvadorian derivative of "puta," which means "bitch/slut/fuck." But here in Guatemala, it does not have such a negative connotation. Even small children often say "A la gran," and it roughly translates to "oh my gosh!"

So, there you go. Now you too can sound like a Guatemalan. (Or not.)

I said "Good day!"

Just another good day to report...

Yesterday morning was my first volunteer experience at Potter's House. PH is a non-profit/ministry that works in and around the Guatemala City dump. They run education programs, job training workshops, and provide financial assistance as well as spiritual formation to some of the poorest of the city's residents. Check them out: http://www.pottershouse.org.gt/  (I'm going to help out a few Saturday's each month with their Kids' Club.)

Hundreds of kids come on Saturdays, so I was a bit overwhelmed. A number of them were quite rambunctious, but so many of them were so sweet and welcoming. During the song-and-dance time, I was standing at the back just enjoying the scene, when one little boy grabbed my hand unprompted. For the next hour or so, he was glued to me, interlocking his fingers with mine and leaning up against me. I could tell he was not feeling good since he was coughing and was apparently running a fever. I grabbed a chair, and he gladly let me hold him. It was amazing that he was so at ease with me, never having even met me. Honestly, I think that I needed it more than he did. I did end up sending him to see the nurse who was on duty (PH also has a full-on health clinic on-site.), and by the end of the day, he was running around and smiling!

And yesterday evening, I went bowling with two of my fellow interns and a couple of our co-workers. (Yes, I went bowling in Guatemala!) I am so grateful to Gaby and Santi for their hospitality towards us! I struggle with loneliness from time to time, so those seemingly small gestures of welcome and friendship are inexplicably encouraging. And we just had a darn good time!

So, thanks for letting me share about my day. It was refreshing and encouraging, and I am grateful to God for these glimpses of heaven here on Earth.