I am the problem.

Is it just me, or does the world seem to really be going to hell in a handbasket? I definitely think that the world has always and always will be full of problems, oppressive governments, and just general suffering; but I just can't help but feel that all news is bad news these days. One of my daily rituals is to look at BBC's "Day in Pictures," and lately, almost every photo is one of a region in strife. It's as if the Olympics are the only current event that is not related to an armed conflict. But, even the Olympics are steeped in controversy and the apparent oppression of the Russian people by their government.

I've always prided myself on being informed, and I really do enjoy learning about current events. But, as of late, when I read about the civil war in Syria, the unrest in Ukraine, the cluster f#%& that is Africa, and other stories, I am pretty much unmoved. Maybe my apathy is related to the inundation of tragedy I see here in Guatemala. Or maybe it's just that the world is so messy that not much seems surprising/shocking anymore.

When we read about some tragedy, whether manmade or natural, we're often moved to ask "What can I do about it?" only to quickly answer that question with "Not much. I'm here. The problem is there. And that's that." At least, that's how I feel these days. I should believe more in the power of prayer, but it's exhausting to pray day after day and just see things getting worse.

This afternoon, I was reminded of a chapter in Donald Miller's Blue Like Jazz, in which he tells of going to a peaceful protest at an event where Pres. George W. Bush was present. Many people at the event were holding signs, decrying what they thought to be the faults of Bush's policies, and maybe they were right in what they said. But it is D.M.'s words that came to my mind this afternoon:

"More than my questions about the efficacy of social actions were my questions about my own motives. Do I want social justice for the oppressed, or do I just want to be known as a socially active person? I spend 95 percent of my time thinking about myself anyway. I don't have to watch the evening news to see the world is bad. I only have to look at myself. I am not brow beating here, I am only saying that true change, true living giving, God-honoring change would have to start with the individual. I was the very problem I had been protesting. I wanted to make a sign that read “I am the problem” -Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz

There is so much truth (and conviction) in what he says. When I read about the violence in Syria, my reaction is to say "Violent extremism is the problem." or "Assad is evil." But really, it is me who is evil. When I get angry at my roommates, I am sowing hate and not peace. I cannot pray for "peace on Earth" and then turn around and curse the very people in front of me. I cannot ask God to bring an end to violence and then be impatient with those around me. If I say that I am a supporter of nonviolence (which I am), then I must practice nonviolence in all of my actions: in what I say, in what I do, and in how I treat others. I am the problem.