I said "Good day!"

Just another good day to report...

Yesterday morning was my first volunteer experience at Potter's House. PH is a non-profit/ministry that works in and around the Guatemala City dump. They run education programs, job training workshops, and provide financial assistance as well as spiritual formation to some of the poorest of the city's residents. Check them out: http://www.pottershouse.org.gt/  (I'm going to help out a few Saturday's each month with their Kids' Club.)

Hundreds of kids come on Saturdays, so I was a bit overwhelmed. A number of them were quite rambunctious, but so many of them were so sweet and welcoming. During the song-and-dance time, I was standing at the back just enjoying the scene, when one little boy grabbed my hand unprompted. For the next hour or so, he was glued to me, interlocking his fingers with mine and leaning up against me. I could tell he was not feeling good since he was coughing and was apparently running a fever. I grabbed a chair, and he gladly let me hold him. It was amazing that he was so at ease with me, never having even met me. Honestly, I think that I needed it more than he did. I did end up sending him to see the nurse who was on duty (PH also has a full-on health clinic on-site.), and by the end of the day, he was running around and smiling!

And yesterday evening, I went bowling with two of my fellow interns and a couple of our co-workers. (Yes, I went bowling in Guatemala!) I am so grateful to Gaby and Santi for their hospitality towards us! I struggle with loneliness from time to time, so those seemingly small gestures of welcome and friendship are inexplicably encouraging. And we just had a darn good time!

So, thanks for letting me share about my day. It was refreshing and encouraging, and I am grateful to God for these glimpses of heaven here on Earth.

These are my confessions....

Such a great song by Usher. But seriously: I feel the need to do some confessing. (And what better outlet than a blog, right?) Last night I got so angry that I was ready to punch someone in the face! In all honesty, for me, the most difficult part of being here in Guatemala is not anything I deal with at the office or out in the field with clients. It's living with other people. (I have two roommates here.)

Before going to camp and then living with my parents for the few weeks before I moved here to Guatemala, I lived alone. And I loved it! I absolutely abhore sharing space with other people. I don't want to deal with other people's shit all the time. I like things to be clean and orderly, and it angers me when others don't have the same cleanliness/orderliness priorities. The truth is- I am selfish. I want things the way I want them, and I don't like making concessions for other people. Without a doubt, I have a "my way or the highway" attitude.

True, I have not yelled at anyone or thrown a fit, but the anger is still there. And that's not cool. I know that I should repent and work towards being more understanding and willing to be flexible. But, honestly, I don't want to. Maybe it makes me feel superior by holding others to my standard and then bashing them or getting angry when they don't match up. I don't know. Or maybe the simple truth is that I should just never live with other people. Whatever the case, right now I'm stuck between what I know I should do and what I would rather do, which is stay angry. And that's my confession.

Break It Down

You ever break down without having seen it coming? Well, that happened to me on Friday. I accompanied a family to a judicial hearing, in which the children testified about the abuse they suffered. It was a long day, as I had to go early to meet the family; then the hearing got moved back; and then the hearing started late and lasted a while. In these types of hearings, the children are in a room with a psychologist who is fed questions from the lawyers who are watching the interview on the opposite side of a one-way mirror. And in cases with multiple victims, the kids testify one at a time. And let me just say that the waiting area is not kid-friendly. So just the waiting itself is difficult. (Seriously- this fight for justice is long and tough...and frustrating a lot of the time.) 

After getting back to the office, I broke down. I tried to shrug it off, but my wonderful supervisor pulled me aside because she could tell that I was not ok. She and I cried and prayed together, and I very much appreciate the love and vulnerability she showed me in those moments. The truth is- I am stressed out most of the time here. Either because I am worried about doing everything perfectly. Or because I take an emotional beating as I read about horrific abuse and see the residual damage in the lives of our clients. 

I am not clinically depressed or constantly miserable, nor am I in any danger of hurting myself or self-medicating. I laugh often, and overall, I do like living here. But I am exhausted. This work would be tough enough at home, but I am in a foreign country, navigating every situation in my second language, living with people I do not know well, and away from my family and friends. Not to be a jerk, but no wonder I'm stressed and tired!

Admittedly, I have not been good about spending time praying or reading scripture. I want to do better with that. And I really hope that my trip home (40 days from today!) is encouraging and renewing. 

How I do.

Here's a list of things that I do these days...

• attend mass at La Merced, one of the largest Catholic churches here in Guate.
• take communion, even though I'm not Catholic. (insert evil laugh)
• buy fresh, delicious vegetables from the central market. On average, I pay about 50 quetzales for seven or eight pounds of veggies. Btw- that's about $6.50
• walk everywhere, except on the weekends when I take the bus to Zone 10.
• throw used TP in the trash can instead of in the toilet (TMI?).
• line dry my clothes.
• hand-wash dirty dishes in the absence of a dishwasher.
• get angry when men say gross things as I walk down the street.
• kiss people on the cheek when I greet them.
• wonder why other people are laughing because I don't get Guatemalan humor.

Yes, my life here is really exciting. Not. Well, it kind of is. Every day has its challenges and joys. As of today, I have seven weeks until my trip to Atlanta and Greenville. I'm happy to report that while I am excited to go home for a bit and see people I love and eat food that I miss, I am not eager to leave Guate. I've really grown to love this city and all of the people that God has placed before me here. Praise the Lord for that!

TGIF

This week has been a doozie. It's been quite emotional, to be honest.

• I've been processing my sadness and anger over a personnel change in the office. (I've grown quite close to the person leaving, and I really hate to see her go.) Tuesday I bawled for a couple hours. Wednesday I talked with my supervisor at HQ and am now able to be a bit more objective about the situation (although the sadness persists). 
• I was part of a failed rescue operation yesterday, which was difficult. And as a result, I had to be part of a debriefing meeting. I really didn't have much to say, so I just listened, but it was interesting and difficult to hear others' frustrations and come to terms with the f-ed up system in which we are working. 
• My sweet roommate has had a tough week, and I just hate that for her. It's difficult for me to feel like I am unable to help someone with their troubles. 
• And to top it all off, Novak Djokovic got knocked out of the Australian Open. A real tragedy, I know. Seriously- When I found out on Wednesday morning that he had lost, I said to myself "Seems fitting, given the way this week is going." 

This is not meant to be a laundry list of complaints or a "woe is me blog" post. Some weeks are just tough, and this was one. But I don't feel defeated. I have seen the Lord working, and there have been glimmers of hope and joy.

• This week we did celebrate IJM-Guatemala's first conviction of the year! 
• I feel strongly that I will continue to be friends with the person who is no longer at the office. I have gained a sweet friend, and that is just stinkin' awesome!
• I heard back from Potter's House and have an appointment next week to go learn about their ministry at the city dump and hopefully to get on their schedule to volunteer on the weekends. 
• And in all of the aforementioned struggles, the people around me have shown their concern and have loved me well. For that, I am grateful. 

But TGIF!

The Toughest Choice

How do you truly let go of a friendship? I'm not sure there really is an answer to this question; but it is one that I have dedicated a lot of thought to recently. A couple weeks ago, I found myself very angry thinking about people who have not stayed in touch since I moved here to Guatemala. I was talking on Skype with a friend, and she asked me about who all I had heard from, and it was only then, when I said it out loud, that I realized how angry I was over not hearing from a number of people.

Since that realization, I have tried to let go of that anger and move towards a place of forgiveness. That is, of course, easier said than done; but I do not want to find myself still angry or bitter if/when those friendships are rekindled. But for now, I am willing and ready to let go of relationships that I find to be draining or in which I am the only one making the effort. At this point in my life, I want my friendships/relationships to be about quantity rather than quality. I realize that there will be times in relationships in which one person cannot give as much as the other, but I think that in general, a true friendship is one of give and take- a 2-way street, so to speak.

I cannot control other people, but that does not mean that others' actions (or inactions, as the case may be) will not affect me. I think a lot of us hold onto the idea that it's not cool to ever get upset. Maybe that's an idea we picked up from our youth pastors. It's ok to acknowledge the hurt that others may cause us to feel. To refuse to do so would do a disservice to our emotional capacity and our innate humanity. We are people who feel, and that is ok. But to hold onto that hurt and allow it to morph into bitterness or a desire for revenge is not ok.

Forgiveness is a difficult choice to make because so often the alternative is so enticing. I admit that very often, I want to be angry at other people. I feel validated in my anger and desire to retaliate. But forgiveness is just that- a choice. And it's one that I want to be able to make.

Check-in

Here we are. In 2014. Is it just me or does it seem strange to see that as the current year? I always remember a project I did with my 2nd grade class at Greater Atlanta Christian School: we made construction paper models of ourselves, and the whole thing was titled "Class of 2004." That seemed like light years away at the time; but here we are...10 years past that. Sheesh! Anyway.... Enough of the boring, obvious talk about chronology and the fact that time passes.

Honestly, not too much to report here. I just felt the need to write a post since it's been a few weeks.

Christmas was good, albeit weird. I went to Honduras to be with some friends in San Pedro Sula. My parents came for the 21th-23rd. I cried when I saw them, which surprised me. I talk to them quite often, but I suppose it's different seeing someone in person as opposed to on a screen. We went to see the Mayan ruins at Copán, which was really cool. And while, at times, I wished that I had been home to enjoy the Christmas traditions I love, I am really grateful that I got to experience Christmas somewhere else.

New Years: So. Many. Fireworks. My roommate and I didn't do much. Seriously- we sat in the living room and read our books (Our wireless was down.) Around 11:30 we went up to our roof, where we had a top-notch view of no fewer than 25 humongous, legit fireworks shows. So awesome!

Things are normal at the office. I find myself either crazy-busy or having to ask for something to do. But it's ok.

And, the most exciting development as of late: I purchased a ticket to go to Atlanta at the end of March, for my visa renewal trip! Thanks to my loyalty to Delta, I only had to pay $79 for the ticket! Delta required 35,000 frequent flyer miles to purchase said ticket, and I had 35,138. That's divine providence if you ask me!

'Til next time...