the darkness in my heart

As I type this, I am filled with anger, sadness, and despair. The issue of Israel/Palestine has long been very important to me, and the current strife is just about all I can think (and read) about.

In all honesty, I care more about this issue than any other in the world. Of course, I care about other things, but nothing gets me even nearly as pumped up. I learned about the region's history and the occupation after my parents traveled there in 2006; before that, my attitude was something akin to "The U.S. supports Israel, and that's the way it is." I am not proud of this former ignorance, but that may be precisely why I am so passionate about seeing justice be done in the Holy Land.

I want other people to wake up to the reality of the situation. I want people to see both sides as humans worthy of respect. I want to see respect for international law. I want people to stop equating the word "Palestinian" with "terrorist." I want people to stop assuming that modern-day Israel is the same as Biblical Israel. I want people to care even a fraction of how much I care*.

I want these things with all of my heart. As I continue to learn about this conflict, I feel the anger and bitterness grow in my heart. I know that a desire for peace and justice cannot be rooted in revenge or hatred. But hatred is easy. I don't have it in me to do anything else.

And maybe that's just it: on my own, I cannot overcome the ugliness in my heart. I admit that I am reluctant to turn from my natural inclination to return evil for evil and to, instead, ask the Lord to help me respond in a manner worthy of His sacrifice. Yet I know that I cannot call for an end to violence and injustice thousands of miles away if I am not willing to confront and battle the darkness in my own heart. Lawd, help me...

*The silver lining in my involvement with issue has been the gift of meeting fellow activists over the past few weeks. I am insanely grateful for their solidarity and boldness. 

The Weight of the World

I'm so very tired as I type this. But it's a good tired. Tired from an awesome trip with my buddies to Belize*! Praise the Lord for the opportunity to unplug, be in a remote and beautiful place, and just enjoy hanging out with others (and by myself). As awesome as the trip was, it creates this strange clash within me...

Having not checked email or read the news since Saturday morning, I booted up my Mac last night to check in, and my immediate reaction was "Well, crap. Back to reality." I had a bunch of dumb emails; the situation in Gaza has deterioriated beyond belief; and I am reminded of the need to plow forward with the job search. With all of this, I find myself slipping back into carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.

How can one find a balance between being informed and maintaining a healthy perspective? I know that even Jesus took time to be with friends, to eat, and to sleep. (Note: I don't have any trouble sleeping. It's my favorite activity.) But sometimes it's difficult for me to set aside my worries about the world and just enjoy things without feeling even a little bit guilty. I often find myself annoyed with others because I think that they don't care enough about big issues. I don't want to totally disengage and live in denial because it is this very behavior that I criticize in others. Yet I don't want to be constantly bummed out because of all that I know.

My prayer is that I would find that balance. That I will be able to continue to be an informed citizen, yet not one who is so engrossed in current events that it puts a damper on my attitude at all times. I want to care and to encourage others to do so as well. I want my interest to spark interest in others. And I want to also enjoy all that I have, living gratefully. Jesus, help me!

In other news... two months from tomorrow will be my last day at the office here. Wow.

*Photos to come.

Resume-Induced Introspection

I just got done with the most recent draft of my resume and, in the process, came face-to-face with my fears. At the most basic level, I am afraid that I just straight-up will never find a job. Yet while this fear sits beside me constantly, I am also afraid that someone may read my resume and think that I am capable of more than I really am or that I might find myself in a job/position that I am ill-equipped to handle. 

Maybe I should add "being her own worst critic" to my Skills section on my resume. I mean, I'm really good at it! 

Who knew that working on a resume would be the catalyst for such introspection? 

In other news...This week was tough at times but good overall.  

• I was privileged to go along on two home visits for new clients, and while it was a tough experience, I am really grateful for all of the face-to-face interaction I have with these precious people whom we serve.
• In an attempt to spread knowledge and facilitate discussion (about Palestine & Israel), I unwittingly angered some people. I am well aware that it is a contentious issue, but it's extremely important to me, and as such, it's difficult when others are not interested or even hostile to having the discussion. Oh well...
• My fellow interns and I are heading to Belize tomorrow! 

Over and out. 

The Cost of Caring

A lot of nights, a woman sleeps outside the main entrance to our building. If we happen to come in late, she will stir and just look at us; and then after an awkward second or so, she lays back down, and we go on inside. I've entertained the idea of leaving her some food or money or whatever before but never actually have.

Tonight, I was returning from Bible study, and she was just closing the little gate and then began to put her stuff down. I came on in, said hi (Well, technically, I said "hola.") and asked her if she needed anything. She noticeably stiffened and said "No." I countered with "Are you sure?" to which she responded "Yes." (with an implied "Please don't ask me again."). So I came on inside, but I couldn't shake the desire to do something, to take her something. So I grabbed some crackers- a meager offering, I know- and went back down.

When I went out, she wasn't there but had already prepared her pallet and arranged her things. So I went over and set the crackers down, and then, as if out of nowhere, she showed back up (from across the street, I think). I said "I know you said that you didn't need anything, but I'm leaving these here for you. Seriously- if you need anything, please let us know." She smiled slightly and thanked me. And that was about it. Seriously: I am not sharing this story to pat myself on the back or to show what a great Christian I am. Because I'm not. It's just that now I feel this near-unbearable ache in my heart for this woman (whose name I did learn, btw).

Shane Claiborne says that the problem isn't that Christians don't care about the poor, but that we don't know them- that we don't know the faces behind the issues we presume to care about. But you know what? It's costly to get to know our fellow men. If I send a check to the United Way, it doesn't stir much within me. But if I hand food to someone, it's an emotional roller coaster. I think that maybe that's why we shy away from getting our hands dirty- because it's costly, not because we simply don't care. Although that's surely a common reason as well. Now that I know this woman's name, I can't help but care about her. I want to hug her. I want to invite her into my house.  I want her to be there tomorrow so that I can give her something else. I want her to be safe.

I've been really upset this week about what's happening in Israel/Palestine. (One only need know me the tiniest bit to know my passion for this issue.) There's so much evil and injustice there, and what makes it most difficult for me is that crappy feeling that I just can't do anything about it. So, while I'm sad right now and sorting through this torment of emotions, I am grateful for the opportunity to engage face-to-face, to do something concrete for someone else.  

“When I ask God why all of these injustices are allowed to exist in the world, I can feel the Spirit whisper to me, ‘You tell me why we allow this to happen. You are my body, my hands, my feet.'” 

Musings on 'Merica

“I love America more than any other country in the world and, exactly for this reason, I insist on the right to criticize her perpetually.” - James Baldwin 

Let me preface this entry by saying that I am currently wearing a light blue chambray dress, navy cardigan, navy flats with white polka dots, and a not-so-subtle American flag headband. I thoroughly enjoy the 4th of July, particularly the fireworks, the goofy behavior of my compatriots, and the annual Exley family reunion. Alas, I will not be enjoying any of those things this year since I am in Guatemala. But that won't keep me from sharing some thoughts on this day...

There is, understandably, a lot of talk today about "freedom" and "liberty." While we as a nation extol these values, how ironic that we we do so while suppressing these very values both within and outside our borders. We talk about how awesome it is to be free and live in a democratic nation, yet we turn away when we see liberties supressed elsewhere. We value self-determination, yet we invade other countries and overthrow their governments. We say "liberty and justice for all," but what we really mean is "liberty and justice when it's convenient for us."

"God bless America" is not in the Bible. Our country is no better than any other. Jesus does not love us more than He loves anyone else. We have not been called to violently impose our values elsewhere. Jesus came to break down walls, not to give us reasons to build them. And if we claim to follow Him, we ought to sow peace (which cannot be achieved by dropping bombs). I do a crappy job of peace-making most of the time, but I want to do better. And I want my country to do better.

Some additional thoughts from my favorite modern-day prophet, Shane Claiborne:

“Some folks may be really bummed to find that "God bless America" does not appear in the Bible. So often we do things that make sense to us and ask God to bless our actions and come alongside our plans, rather than looking at the things God promises to bless and acting alongside of them. For we know that God's blessing will inevitably follow if we are with the poor, the merciful, the hungry, the persecuted, the peacemakers. But sometimes we'd rather have a God who conforms to our logic than conform our logic to the God whose wisdom is a stumbling block to the world of smart bombs and military intelligence.” 

“How ironic is it to see a bumper sticker that says 'Jesus is the answer' next to a bumper sticker supporting the war in Iraq, as if to says 'Jesus is the answer - but not in the real world.” 

The Homestretch

This is it: I'm looking at my last three months here in Guatemala. It's the epitome of cliche, but time really has flown! As I think about the past 9 months, I recall many challenges, a few notably mistakes, many lessons learned, and countless positive memories and fun times. When I began the application process with IJM, my preference was to go to Bolivia, but I cannot imagine having been anywhere other than Guatemala. I hope that my time here will prove useful and helpful as I move forward. (I can already envision myself getting super-excited meeting Guatemalans back home.)

Even though I know that I will be sad to leave Guatemala, I want to do so with no regrets, so to speak. I want to overcome the fears and anxiety that keep me from diving in headfirst and giving my all each day. I want to work hard and leave an impression here. I want to feel as though I have made an impact. With God's help, I will.

While I want to be fully involved here, I am looking ahead, with my feet in Guatemala and my eyes looking towards life in the U.S. I do not like change, nor do I relish the uncertainty and anxiety that precede being able to make decisions about the future. A counselor I am corresponding with has given me some things to think about as I sort through that anxiety and those related fears. I want to be a fortune teller or to have full assurance that I will find a job and not flounder forever when I go home. But for now, I am going to do what I can and try to combat those insecurities.

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This morning, Mom and Dad headed back home after a week-long visit here. It was really great to show them this crazy, beautiful country. I think they were quite impressed, and I am grateful that they were able to come and experience it with me. (Photos to come!)