Messing Up

It's been a rough day. I am having trouble with an assignment I have been given, and it's causing me a lot of anxiety. And about an hour ago, I went with a client to buy something, and when we returned to the office, it appeared that they had pulled a fast one on us. Needless to say, I felt wretched about it. I asked my supervisor to go back to the store with us to help figure out what went wrong. True, the people at the store are the ones who messed up, but I still feel guilty about it. Maybe more so just embarrassed and afraid that I now look incompetent. Seriously- doing anything in one's second language makes it fifteen billion times more difficult. Not to mention the fact that Guatemala uses this weirdo system for taxes: every time you make a purchase, you have to tell them your N.I.T., which is a government-issed number to track purchases. I, of course, don't have one and so am not accustomed to dealing with it. By neglecting to tell the store IJM's N.I.T. I think it made the situation worse. In the end, we were able to return what we bought, and I guess there is no permanent damage done. But why can't I forgive myself?

Every day, I learn more about how I view myself and from where I draw my self-worth. It seems to be falling to pieces here.

Ironically enough, after the debacle with the purchase/money, I received an email from NBCC, telling me that they have received all of my papers for my certification and that I am now, therefore, a Nationally Certified Counselor! (At least I'm accomplished and competent in the U.S.) I feel this need to prove myself here, but it is difficult because I do not fully understand how things work. I want people here to know how smart, accomplished, educated, and capable I am; and I feel as though I look anything but.

In my mind, I know that my worth comes from the Lord and not from my own competence or accomplishments. But knowing and believing are sure as hell not the same thing.