I just returned from Pacaya volcano. It was a real trek, and I am tired. I had read various accounts of the hike and its difficulty; some folks said it was quite easy while others said it was quite strenuous. Either way, it turned out to be too much for me. I am not currently in good shape, and I just couldn't do it. I did make it to the summit, however. There was a group of young boys with our tour group on horseback, and they had been offering rides; so about a quarter of the way up, I caved. Yes, I rode a horse. For the first time in, probably, 15 years.
One other person from our group got on a horse as well, so that allayed some of my embarrassment. But not all of it. The whole time (and even now) I was so worried about what everyone was thinking about me. Thinking that I am a wuss. And out of shape. And even that I shouldn't have gone on the trip to begin with. Maybe no one was thinking these things anyway, but I was overcome with shame and embarrassment nonetheless.
I so often feel the need to be things that I am not. I feel the need to be outgoing, when in actuality I am insanely introverted. I feel the need to be the best at things, but I know that there is often no prize for coming in first. And today I felt the need to prove myself physically, and when I couldn't, I felt the need to provide excuses. But...
I am an extremely introverted individual. And that's ok.
I am good at some things but terrible at many others. And that's ok.
I am not super-athletic. And that's ok.
I don't want to live in fear of others' opinions, nor do I want to continue to berate myself for not "measuring up" to the people around me. Comparing oneself to others is truly a prison. And I don't want to be in it anymore.
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