Resume-Induced Introspection

I just got done with the most recent draft of my resume and, in the process, came face-to-face with my fears. At the most basic level, I am afraid that I just straight-up will never find a job. Yet while this fear sits beside me constantly, I am also afraid that someone may read my resume and think that I am capable of more than I really am or that I might find myself in a job/position that I am ill-equipped to handle. 

Maybe I should add "being her own worst critic" to my Skills section on my resume. I mean, I'm really good at it! 

Who knew that working on a resume would be the catalyst for such introspection? 

In other news...This week was tough at times but good overall.  

• I was privileged to go along on two home visits for new clients, and while it was a tough experience, I am really grateful for all of the face-to-face interaction I have with these precious people whom we serve.
• In an attempt to spread knowledge and facilitate discussion (about Palestine & Israel), I unwittingly angered some people. I am well aware that it is a contentious issue, but it's extremely important to me, and as such, it's difficult when others are not interested or even hostile to having the discussion. Oh well...
• My fellow interns and I are heading to Belize tomorrow! 

Over and out. 

The Cost of Caring

A lot of nights, a woman sleeps outside the main entrance to our building. If we happen to come in late, she will stir and just look at us; and then after an awkward second or so, she lays back down, and we go on inside. I've entertained the idea of leaving her some food or money or whatever before but never actually have.

Tonight, I was returning from Bible study, and she was just closing the little gate and then began to put her stuff down. I came on in, said hi (Well, technically, I said "hola.") and asked her if she needed anything. She noticeably stiffened and said "No." I countered with "Are you sure?" to which she responded "Yes." (with an implied "Please don't ask me again."). So I came on inside, but I couldn't shake the desire to do something, to take her something. So I grabbed some crackers- a meager offering, I know- and went back down.

When I went out, she wasn't there but had already prepared her pallet and arranged her things. So I went over and set the crackers down, and then, as if out of nowhere, she showed back up (from across the street, I think). I said "I know you said that you didn't need anything, but I'm leaving these here for you. Seriously- if you need anything, please let us know." She smiled slightly and thanked me. And that was about it. Seriously: I am not sharing this story to pat myself on the back or to show what a great Christian I am. Because I'm not. It's just that now I feel this near-unbearable ache in my heart for this woman (whose name I did learn, btw).

Shane Claiborne says that the problem isn't that Christians don't care about the poor, but that we don't know them- that we don't know the faces behind the issues we presume to care about. But you know what? It's costly to get to know our fellow men. If I send a check to the United Way, it doesn't stir much within me. But if I hand food to someone, it's an emotional roller coaster. I think that maybe that's why we shy away from getting our hands dirty- because it's costly, not because we simply don't care. Although that's surely a common reason as well. Now that I know this woman's name, I can't help but care about her. I want to hug her. I want to invite her into my house.  I want her to be there tomorrow so that I can give her something else. I want her to be safe.

I've been really upset this week about what's happening in Israel/Palestine. (One only need know me the tiniest bit to know my passion for this issue.) There's so much evil and injustice there, and what makes it most difficult for me is that crappy feeling that I just can't do anything about it. So, while I'm sad right now and sorting through this torment of emotions, I am grateful for the opportunity to engage face-to-face, to do something concrete for someone else.  

“When I ask God why all of these injustices are allowed to exist in the world, I can feel the Spirit whisper to me, ‘You tell me why we allow this to happen. You are my body, my hands, my feet.'” 

Musings on 'Merica

“I love America more than any other country in the world and, exactly for this reason, I insist on the right to criticize her perpetually.” - James Baldwin 

Let me preface this entry by saying that I am currently wearing a light blue chambray dress, navy cardigan, navy flats with white polka dots, and a not-so-subtle American flag headband. I thoroughly enjoy the 4th of July, particularly the fireworks, the goofy behavior of my compatriots, and the annual Exley family reunion. Alas, I will not be enjoying any of those things this year since I am in Guatemala. But that won't keep me from sharing some thoughts on this day...

There is, understandably, a lot of talk today about "freedom" and "liberty." While we as a nation extol these values, how ironic that we we do so while suppressing these very values both within and outside our borders. We talk about how awesome it is to be free and live in a democratic nation, yet we turn away when we see liberties supressed elsewhere. We value self-determination, yet we invade other countries and overthrow their governments. We say "liberty and justice for all," but what we really mean is "liberty and justice when it's convenient for us."

"God bless America" is not in the Bible. Our country is no better than any other. Jesus does not love us more than He loves anyone else. We have not been called to violently impose our values elsewhere. Jesus came to break down walls, not to give us reasons to build them. And if we claim to follow Him, we ought to sow peace (which cannot be achieved by dropping bombs). I do a crappy job of peace-making most of the time, but I want to do better. And I want my country to do better.

Some additional thoughts from my favorite modern-day prophet, Shane Claiborne:

“Some folks may be really bummed to find that "God bless America" does not appear in the Bible. So often we do things that make sense to us and ask God to bless our actions and come alongside our plans, rather than looking at the things God promises to bless and acting alongside of them. For we know that God's blessing will inevitably follow if we are with the poor, the merciful, the hungry, the persecuted, the peacemakers. But sometimes we'd rather have a God who conforms to our logic than conform our logic to the God whose wisdom is a stumbling block to the world of smart bombs and military intelligence.” 

“How ironic is it to see a bumper sticker that says 'Jesus is the answer' next to a bumper sticker supporting the war in Iraq, as if to says 'Jesus is the answer - but not in the real world.” 

The Homestretch

This is it: I'm looking at my last three months here in Guatemala. It's the epitome of cliche, but time really has flown! As I think about the past 9 months, I recall many challenges, a few notably mistakes, many lessons learned, and countless positive memories and fun times. When I began the application process with IJM, my preference was to go to Bolivia, but I cannot imagine having been anywhere other than Guatemala. I hope that my time here will prove useful and helpful as I move forward. (I can already envision myself getting super-excited meeting Guatemalans back home.)

Even though I know that I will be sad to leave Guatemala, I want to do so with no regrets, so to speak. I want to overcome the fears and anxiety that keep me from diving in headfirst and giving my all each day. I want to work hard and leave an impression here. I want to feel as though I have made an impact. With God's help, I will.

While I want to be fully involved here, I am looking ahead, with my feet in Guatemala and my eyes looking towards life in the U.S. I do not like change, nor do I relish the uncertainty and anxiety that precede being able to make decisions about the future. A counselor I am corresponding with has given me some things to think about as I sort through that anxiety and those related fears. I want to be a fortune teller or to have full assurance that I will find a job and not flounder forever when I go home. But for now, I am going to do what I can and try to combat those insecurities.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This morning, Mom and Dad headed back home after a week-long visit here. It was really great to show them this crazy, beautiful country. I think they were quite impressed, and I am grateful that they were able to come and experience it with me. (Photos to come!)

Counseling for a Counselor

This week I had my first session with my new career counselor! I'm very excited to be working with her; it went very well, and I now have a solid to-do list regarding my resume and steps to take in order to get the ball rolling on the job search. I am incredibly grateful to my friend, Mazi, for the referral as well as to my parents for allowing me to pursue this avenue. It feels awesome to be taking such a concrete step towards the next stage of life, whatever that may be. Like I've told a few people, even if I do return home without any prospects, no one will be able to say that I didn't try.

It is really difficult for me to be staring into the unknown and to trust that the Lord has something prepared. But I try to remember all the ways He has provided for me in the past as well as to be thankful that my family and friends are so supportive and that my worth does not depend upon how quickly I find employment.

On a related note, I am seeking the help/guidance of an IJM-recommended counselor via email for some interpersonal struggles I've been having. I've found myself short on patience and with a lot of anger. I very much want to take the high road, but of course, doing so is not easy; also, I want to handle this situation in the best way possible and to not just grin and bare it. Thank you to IJM's Interns and Fellows staff for the referral.

In other news...

• My parents arrive in 5 days!
• I went to a baseball game last night- USA vs Guatemala (little league, that is). 
• Yesterday, I got my passport back with my new visa; it expires October 9th. Stay tuned for my official departure date.
• This afternoon I'm going to a baby shower, and this evening I'm going to a soccer game. (You didn't know I was so social and cool, did you?) 

That's all for now. Exley. Out. 

Books, Bracelets, and (Computer) Bugs

Here's what's up these days:

• I am currently without access to Internet or IJM's network at the office. Some glitch at HQ kicked me off of the network, so I am unable to do about 2/3 of my work. So that's cool.
• I was working on a research project regarding CSA and the potential link to women's issues, but Friday as I was digging into an article I found, I couldn't stop visualizing the abuse. I went straight to my boss and asked if I could take a reprieve from the project, calling my difficulty "not a logistical problem, but an emotional one." PTL, he completely understood and said that it was more than ok for me to give it a rest for a while. I would not say that I am experiencing full-on "compassion fatigue," but I think that I have reached a sort of saturation point in reading and hearing about abuse as well as walking alongside victims in the legal and recovery process. I'm very thankful for my boss's understanding and in general, for how IJM places great emphasis on staff care.
• Last night I saw "The Fault in Our Stars" with a few folks, and I was a total wreck afterwards. What a beautiful story that is. The film adaptation was very well done, and the casting was on-point. Gosh! I'm so happy that we are able to go the movies and just enjoy "first world pleasures" here.
• The aforementioned job search is on, but for now there's nothing of consequence to report. I am, however, seeking long-distance career counseling to get my resume in tip-top shape. 
• Friday, while waiting with clients at court*, I finished book 3 of the "Maze Runner" series. Thank you to Casey for recommending it to me. The story line is very compelling, and the character development is solid.
• *We waited at court for 3.5 hours only to see the hearing get suspended. Ugh! But our client's little sister made me a bracelet while we waited, and I am now wearing it with pride! 
• Last night at Cayala, I bought a pair of Crocs. I know, I know. Crocs?!? How dare I? But with all of the rain, I felt it was a justifiable purchase. 
• Jack comes tomorrow! 
• Mom and Dad get here in 17 days!

That's all I know for now. 'Gotta go update my resume and read the Maze Runner prequel. 

Eating the elephant

The job search is on.

Oh, how I have been dreading this. As anyone acquainted with me knows, I want everything done yesterday, and I'm a perfectionist. I have some general ideas of what I would like to do, (I would prefer to work with adults rather than children, and I would rather not work in a substance abuse facility. And as far as geography, I will go as far north as D.C. and as far west as Texas.) but staring into the great unknown is not fun for me.

I have gotten the ball rolling by working on my resume, and I am trying to make contact with everyone I know who works in the counseling field. Basically, I'm trying to eat the elephant "one bite at a time." Even though I know that these are good steps to take, I am still teetering on the edge of paralyzing anxiety. Just being "on the right track" is not enough for me. I desperately want to see what's at the end, and I want someone to give me full assurance that I will not return to the U.S. jobless, carless, and homeless. But maybe I will. At this point, only the Lord knows.

In other news, we're looking at about 36 hours of non-stop rain here in Guate.

Requests:
- Please pray for provision and guidance as I wade into the water of job searching and networking.
- Pray for protection for our clients in this deluge; not surprisingly, most of them live in precarious situations and are at great risk when we get too much rain in a short period of time.