Furlough Reflection

Today is the day I was to originally return to Guatemala from my stint here in the States; however, due to some health-related issues, I'll be here until the 6th. While I'm not happy about tomorrow's impending colonoscopy (TMI?), I'm glad to have a few more days here. Friday I'm taking a little road trip to Birmingham to visit some folks, and I've been able to see a few other people I wasn't originally planning on having the pleasure to see.

Despite all of my worries concerning being here, my time at home has been nothing short of awesome! I've told a few people that it feels as though my two lives (Guatemala and the U.S.) have been compartmentalized, and I simply stepped out of one and into the other. I've rarely thought about Guatemala since being here, except when sharing about it with friends and family. Honestly, my life there seems so far removed from things here. I guess, in a way, that is the case; but it's almost as if I never left here. I have worried that that means that maybe I haven't changed. But that simply is not true.

As I head back to Guatemala, I want to make sure to make the most of the rest of my time there. I don't have a ton of regrets from my first 6 months there- maybe just that I allowed myself to get stressed out a lot and allowed my pride and fear of embarrassment to get me down. Over the next 6 months, I would like to not be so concerned about "messing up" and not doing things perfectly and to just do my best, be obedient and work/act without fear. My battle with perfectionism has been a very long one, and maybe the rest of my time in Guatemala could be somewhat of a victory over it.

Prayer Requests:

• For my health- that my dr. would figure out what's going on and that the necessary treatment would be easy and succinct.
• For my return to Guatemala- that the transition back to work and everything there would be seamless. 
• For serenity and wisdom as I begin to make plans for life post-Guatemala

Home Sweet Home?

Last night, I talked a bit with some fellow expats about heading home. Monica, the wife of our Church Mobilization Fellow, is heading to the U.S. in less than a week...for good. She shared how she got a bit nervous when their family went to the States for Christmas as well as how it is not uncommon that people at home are not really interested to hear about your experience abroad. I admit that I am nervous about going home tomorrow.

Things I'm looking forward to*:

• Chick-fil-A
• Hanging out with my pets
• Target
• Telling others about Guatemala

 Things I'm not looking forward to*:

• Atlanta traffic (Shoot me now!)
• Being appalled at how expensive things are
• Feeling out of place
• My dentist appointment

Of course, I am excited about my trip because there are things and people I miss that I will get to enjoy; however, the past few weeks have been really good for me here in Guatemala, and I am dreading all of those typical, reverse culture shock happenings. (I'm still debating about whether or not to throw the toilet paper in the toilet while I'm there because I really like throwing it in the trash can. It just seems to make more sense.) But seriously- Will the euphoria of being home wear off and leave me feeling out of place and stuck between two cultures? Will people want to really listen and hear about my experience? Will I get angry at people and the way things are done in the States? Will I be able to tell others about my life in Guatemala in a way that accurately conveys my experience?

I had a tough time when I returned from my semester in Argentina, and I hope that by reflecting on that experience and recognizing the potentiality/possibility that this trip might be difficult at times will help me. If you're reading this, please pray that my time would be restful and not stressful. And if you see me while I'm in the U.S., please check in with me and help me navigate this odd space.

*This is not a comprehensive list.

Día de Gozo

Today has been full of joy, and for that I am so thankful. 1) This morning, a former colleague asked me to complete a secret mission for her while I'm in the States, so that's terribly exciting. (I cannot, herein, divulge any additonal information regarding said mission.)

2) This afternoon, I went with our Aftercare director to accompany a client in an Ob-Gyn appointment. The client in question is the primary participant in one of our longest cases, dating back to 2007. She was initially a victim of apparent trafficking and has since returned to the capital, been placed in an Aftercare home, escaped, lived on the streets, abused drugs, sold drugs, been a victim of horrific abuse, and become pregnant. About a month ago, she was once again found to be living in the streets, in a notoriously seedy area of Guatemala City. Our investigators were able to rescue her and she has since been living in an Aftercare/rehab facility.

So, this afternoon... The doctor, who-Praise God!-provided the gyno exam free of charge, began to conduct the ultrasound, and after a few minutes looked up and said quite matter-of-factly, "She is not pregnant." Praise the Lord for this! It may sound to some like an odd thing to be happy about, but no doubt this sweet girl does not need the added pressure of impending motherhood, given her situation. Our priority is her restoration and security, and we are overjoyed at the lifting of this burden. Perhaps the Lord worked a strange miracle. Or perhaps she never was pregnant to begin with. Whatever the case, it is a positive development in this difficult situation. I am in awe of my supervisor's commitment to this case- the way she persists in prayer and appears to never doubt the ability or faithfulness of the Lord to bring about a miracle for this girl. My prayer is that today's happening would just be the beginning of a flood of miraculous news in this case. May it be so!

3) This afternoon, one of my co-workers poured out her heart to me as I ate my lunch. It began with an unsolicited question and slowly morphed into a counseling session of sorts. At times, I wonder why I am here, or I bemoan the fact that I am not (yet) getting much clinical experience. But I have been intentional with this person in asking how she is doing each day and asking about her family, and there she goes- soliciting my advice and opinion. (Of course, a therapist's job is not to give his/her opinión, but even so, it was special to have that one-on-one time, to just listen, offer words of advice and comfort.)

4) This week we've had some visitors from HQ, one of whom is our director of Contingency Operations. He is a retired U.S. Army colonel, has an impressive CV and is quite the character. This morning, before he departed, he conducted a briefing, in order to further improve the security of our office. I am continuously amazed at how well IJM cares for its employees, and I couldn't be more grateful! But more than that, I was very touched that he took the time to thank us for our work, to encourage us, and tell us what a good job we are doing. Most notable was his observation that our office really acts like a family, which he says is not the case in all offices. Praise be to the Lord for bringing me here to this place, for allowing me to know these people and to be a part of this community.

5) I head home in 2 days, but given all that I have written above, I can say that I will miss Guatemala while I am gone.

That's all, folks.

Update: Bullet Point Style

Just a quick update on the goings-on in my life here:

• 'Been quite busy at work: I spent last week making preparations for this coming week's Aftercare training. Generally, I enjoy the administrative side of things, but I was all but chained to my desk making arrangements, printing training materials, figuring out finance stuff, and all of those other logistics, and I got really sick of it. My hat goes off to the interns who do all of that junk all of the time!
• I've been struggling with anger a lot- whether it's towards my roommates for not being as clean/tidy as I would like them to be; at people who walk so insanely slow on the sidewalks; or just at any given situation. At times, I wish I could just haul off and slap someone. And I'm not even really sure where this anger is coming from. It is difficult to psychoanalyze myself, but I've always been a control freak, so maybe the root of the issue lies there. I don't know... 
• I've been amazed at how the Lord has made connections between me and other people- seeing His providence, foresight, and planning: Our Aftercare specialist is here this week (doing the aforementioned training), and it turns out that she knows some of my Honduran friends because she grew up there (Her parents were missionaries with Church of the Brethren). And one year ago, I was sitting at lunch with Rene, Brad, ReJean; and here we are now- me about halfway through my time here, and Rene with about a month to go. It's just awesome to see how God has connected and re-connected me with people. I hope I never cease to be amazed by those things.
• As of tomorrow, I go home in 11 days! I'm not eager to leave Guatemala because I like it here a lot, but I am looking forward to spending time with people I love, eating some delicious food, and just enjoying the comforts of home. I am a bit worried that being there might be difficult- whether because I feel disconnected from life at home or because I may not be able to accurately convey my experience to others. I just know that oftentimes it can be difficult to return home after a stint away, especially in a place that others do not know, doing work that is taxing and difficult to share. 
• My hair has been uncooperative, to say the least. I think that the water here is really bad on it. I mean, we don't drink the water, so it can't be doing anything good for my locks. This is petty, I know; but curly hair is challenging in any situation, but mine is just downright unruly these days. 'Hoping some hair therapy while I'm home will help the situation. 

That's all I know for now. You stay classy, whoever's reading this. 

Weekend Update (without Seth Myers)

The weekends here are really great! And yesterday (and today so far) was no exception. Yesterday, Bennett and I went with Rene and his family to Antigua. I enjoy the time I get to spend with them; it's nice to be around a family, and their boys are a constant source of entertainment!

While in Antigua, I went to meet the family with whom I will be staying during Semana Santa. (My boss lived with them for a time before he became our FOD.) Everyone says that Semana Santa in Antigua is not to be missed, so I'm excited to check it out! After we all had some time to tootle around, we met back up at Sabe Rico, which is one of our favorite restaurants in Antigua. All of the tables are outside, hidden in little nooks in a beautiful garden. It's a real oasis. And the food is great too!

Last night, Rene and Monica hosted "Game Night" (Uh, how cool are we?) at their place, and it was super-fun. There was, honestly, more hanging out than game-playing, but that was totally cool with me. I really treasure the time with my fellow interns and the cool folks we've met here; it's awesome to just hang out and laugh (and speak English, of course.) I also got to hold our friends, Sam and Hannah's, baby for a while. He's such a cutie...and so cuddly! (There really is something so therapeutic about holding babies/kids.) Oh! And I tried "gringas" for the first time- a delicious concoction: meat in corn tortillas, covered in delicious (and spicy) sauces. Yum!

Quite often, I find myself in awe of how the Lord has provided community for me here. I often miss people from home, but last night was one of those times in which I stopped and was overcome with gratitude for the people He has allowed me to meet and spend time with in this place.

I am the problem.

Is it just me, or does the world seem to really be going to hell in a handbasket? I definitely think that the world has always and always will be full of problems, oppressive governments, and just general suffering; but I just can't help but feel that all news is bad news these days. One of my daily rituals is to look at BBC's "Day in Pictures," and lately, almost every photo is one of a region in strife. It's as if the Olympics are the only current event that is not related to an armed conflict. But, even the Olympics are steeped in controversy and the apparent oppression of the Russian people by their government.

I've always prided myself on being informed, and I really do enjoy learning about current events. But, as of late, when I read about the civil war in Syria, the unrest in Ukraine, the cluster f#%& that is Africa, and other stories, I am pretty much unmoved. Maybe my apathy is related to the inundation of tragedy I see here in Guatemala. Or maybe it's just that the world is so messy that not much seems surprising/shocking anymore.

When we read about some tragedy, whether manmade or natural, we're often moved to ask "What can I do about it?" only to quickly answer that question with "Not much. I'm here. The problem is there. And that's that." At least, that's how I feel these days. I should believe more in the power of prayer, but it's exhausting to pray day after day and just see things getting worse.

This afternoon, I was reminded of a chapter in Donald Miller's Blue Like Jazz, in which he tells of going to a peaceful protest at an event where Pres. George W. Bush was present. Many people at the event were holding signs, decrying what they thought to be the faults of Bush's policies, and maybe they were right in what they said. But it is D.M.'s words that came to my mind this afternoon:

"More than my questions about the efficacy of social actions were my questions about my own motives. Do I want social justice for the oppressed, or do I just want to be known as a socially active person? I spend 95 percent of my time thinking about myself anyway. I don't have to watch the evening news to see the world is bad. I only have to look at myself. I am not brow beating here, I am only saying that true change, true living giving, God-honoring change would have to start with the individual. I was the very problem I had been protesting. I wanted to make a sign that read “I am the problem” -Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz

There is so much truth (and conviction) in what he says. When I read about the violence in Syria, my reaction is to say "Violent extremism is the problem." or "Assad is evil." But really, it is me who is evil. When I get angry at my roommates, I am sowing hate and not peace. I cannot pray for "peace on Earth" and then turn around and curse the very people in front of me. I cannot ask God to bring an end to violence and then be impatient with those around me. If I say that I am a supporter of nonviolence (which I am), then I must practice nonviolence in all of my actions: in what I say, in what I do, and in how I treat others. I am the problem.

Talk like a Chapín

Here are some Guatemalan phrases/words that I have learned and sometimes use...

Chapin/Chapina: slang term Guatemalans use to refer to themselves/all things Guatemalan.

Patojo/Patoja: "kid" or "child"

Seño: Kind of like how in English we use "Ms." if we don't know if a woman is married or single. Although "seño" is applicable for both men and women. Most commonly heard over the phone or from people in shops and markets. (Ex: "¿Qué busca, seño?" (Translation: What are you looking for, ma'am/sir?").

"A la gran púchica" (or just "a la gran" or just "púchica"): Originally, a Salvadorian derivative of "puta," which means "bitch/slut/fuck." But here in Guatemala, it does not have such a negative connotation. Even small children often say "A la gran," and it roughly translates to "oh my gosh!"

So, there you go. Now you too can sound like a Guatemalan. (Or not.)