mean

Here's the thing: sometimes I'm just plain mean. This is not an attempt at self-deprication. My behavior and words are really awful a lot of times. I am my own worst critic, but I think that I'm pretty objective in saying that I have a lot to work on when it comes to controlling my mouth and not reacting in anger when things don't go my way.

I think that it is our basic instinct to react negatively when we are inconvenienced. Or to retaliate when others wrong us. When someone insults me (or just says something I don't like), my impulse is to strike back. My general attitude is one of "I don't take crap from anyone." Probably in the eyes of the world at-large, this is a good stance; we glorify those who are strong, independent, and even domineering. But in God's economy, this doesn't necessarily work.

I'm all about the apology, to be honest. I suffer from serious guilt-gut when I shoot my mouth off, and I'm quick to apologize and (attempt to) rectify the situation. But I would like to offer a blanket apology for my crappy behavior, failure to control my mouth, and for my quickness to act in anger.

Like so many sin issues, this is about more than simply controlling behavior. It's symptomatic of something deeper- perhaps a desire for justification or afirmation. I'm still working through what it might be in my case- doing some self-analysis, so to speak. For now, I am going to try to do better.

"Anger is never without a reason, but seldom with a good one." 
-B. Franklin 

Next Steps

I figure it would be good to share what I'll be doing after I leave Guatemala, at least initially, that is. While I am quite sad to leave here, there are a number of things I'm looking forward to when I get home, and that is making this transition a bit easier. I am very grateful for that.

My job search is ongoing, and I am continuing to work with my career counselor. I get to Atlanta on October 2nd, and the first week or so that I am back, I plan to meet with some folks for the purpose of networking and defining my job search goals. (If you have any contacts in the counseling world, don't be shy about passing them along!) I will also head up to Greenville for a couple days to be with my community group and visit some other friends.

Then, on October 14th, my mom and I are going with Pilgrims of Ibillin to Palestine and Israel. This is- to put it succinctly- a dream come true. I have been involved with the Palestinian liberation movement for a number of years and am so excited about this opportunity to bear direct witness to the occupation as well as the non-violent movements going on in the region. Stay tuned! And check out Pilgrims of Ibillin if you are not familiar with them: http://www.pilgrimsofibillin.org/

On our way back from P/I, Mom and I are going to spend a few days in New York City! And from there, the plan is to be in Atlanta while continuing to network and job search. - I am trying to keep in mind that my ideal timeline may not be realistic or that things may not progress as I would wish. As my career counselor has told me, it is helpful to think of the job search as a journey rather than a to-do list with a specific end date. This is tough for me, but I am trying to trust that the Lord has something in store.

Since I will be in Atlanta until January, I plan to attend Trinity Anglican Mission, which I attended off and on during grad school as well as during the summers when I worked at CJL. Trinity has continued to be a blessing to me here in Guatemala, and I am looking forward to getting more involved once I'm back. I plan to join a community group as well as the choir for the Lessons and Carols festival in December. I figure that if I'm going to be in Atlanta, I need to be in Atlanta- to be involved and to cultivate community.

I don't enjoy looking into the unknown, yet I am excited about all of the aforementioned. And I am incredibly grateful (beyond words, actually) to my parents and their generosity- for providing me a home and for their constant support and guidance. Thanks, Mom and Dad!

See y'all Stateside!

funeral

It's been an exhausting few days. Thursday afternoon, we found out that the father of a friend from our Bible study was killed while driving his car. I didn't know him well, but had spoken with him a few times and believed him to be a man of integrity and kindness. It is no secret that violence runs rampant in this country, but to watch people I personally know and care about have their world turned upside down by it has been jarring, to say the least.

We attended the wake Thursday night as well as the burial yesterday. Much like sitting with our clients, I find these spaces to be holy. It is not easy, but entering into someone else's pain is a privilege. Both suffering and joy are universal experiences. We are not so different from one another, regardless of where we live.

I have now attended a wedding and a funeral here. Not things I expected to do, to be honest. And while the latter has been less-than-enjoyable, these events are proof that this has become home- that people have let me into their lives. For that, I am very grateful.

Please pray for my friend and her family. And may we pray for peace to overcome evil in this place. 

No Language

My fellow interns and I joke a lot about how we can't speak Spanish or English anymore. Last week, I asked Matt, "What is the opposite of 'unisex'? You know, like a school that has both boys and girls?" Google taught us that it is "coed." Even Andrea, who is Bolivian, now says that her bilingualism has led to incompetence in both languages. Of course, it's not really that serious, but it is odd when I have to use the online translator because I can't think of a word in English. (And of course, I still haven't totally mastered Spanish; not sure that I ever will.) 

Vocabulary struggles aside, there is something more to this theme of not being able to come up with adequate words. In every season of life, I find a song that conveys my feelings and thoughts better than I ever could. As I stand with one foot in Guatemala and the other about to land in the U.S.- with my mind all over the place- my song is "Side By Side" by Sleeping At Last.

There is no language for what we've seen,

Only the sweetness that bends us to our knees,

And all of these fumbling words to explain what it means,

But our hearts were buried deep in the sand. 

This year has been beyond words. I have stepped into places of great pain and become acquainted with the sufferings of the poor in a way that I never have before. I have laughed a lot and cried a lot too. The Lord has allowed me to know so many wonderful people who have challenged and encouraged me, and I have had difficulties with others as well. There is so much to be said about my experience here, and I imagine that it will be a long time before I have adequately processed it. Part of me believes that this season of life will continue to teach me things for the rest of my life, long after I've left. 

I think that I feel a sense of urgency to be able to summarize this past year in a number of words. But I think that is an unreasonable expectation. There really are not any words sufficient to describe any of our clients' stories. Nor are there words good enough to convey all of the ups and downs I have personally experienced. Of course, I look forward to sharing about my experience with those who are eager to hear, but I will maintain the belief that some things are beyond words. 

September 11th...13 years on

Honestly, what strikes me most about this being the 13th anniversary of 9/11 is that it's been 13 years since I was in 10th grade. It was arguably my best year of high school and honestly, does not seem that long ago. But I'm straying from the point here.

Today continues to be an emotional day for so many of us who claim U.S. citizenship. I spent the better part of that day completely confused (because I arrived late to the assembly in which our dean told us what had happened), and from there I began to learn what it means to feel vulnerable on behalf of people I don't know and to rally with others in nationalism. Being a U.S. citizen had never really meant much to me before 9/11, and in the wake of all of the anger, fear, and sadness, that began to change.

But now I think of all of the things I have learned since that day. My view of the world has been turned upside down. I am now painfully aware of all the destruction my country has wrought throughout the world in the name of "freedom" and "democracy." Heck. For the past year, I have been living in a country that has been left shattered by the arrogant, misguided, greedy policies and interventionism of the U.S. I know full well that we have made a royal mess of things.

This morning I was perusing Facebook (I enjoy seeing what people are up to and what people are saying.), and I got my feathers all ruffled when I saw that a number of people had posted "God Bless America." I confess that these words make me so angry. The United States is not God's favorite country; it is not an example of goodness and virtue. God has already told us what He blesses, what things please Him. It is wrong for us to invoke His blessing on things that are inherently different from the character of Jesus or those things which will not bring His kingdom to earth. Jesus does not bless bombs. He does not bless those who take up arms. He does not bless things done in the name of arrogance and hatred.

I realize that these may be inflammatory things to say. I know many people who would staunchly oppose what I am saying here. But I hold these beliefs with great conviction. I do not hate the U.S. But I do mourn the fact that the U.S. marches around claiming to be the manifestation of God's will while not looking anything like Jesus. We can do better.

Too often we just do what makes sense to us and ask God to bless it.  In the Beatitudes, God tells us what God blesses – the poor, the peacemakers, the hungry, those who mourn, those who show mercy – so we should not ask God’s blessing on a declaration that we will have no mercy on evildoers.  And we know all too well that we have a God who shows mercy on evildoers, for if he didn’t, we’d all be in big trouble, and for that, this evildoer is very glad.  Rather than do what makes sense to us and ask God’s blessing, we’d do better to surround ourselves with those whom God promises to bless, and then we do not need to ask God’s blessing.

Retreat

We survived the retreat! More than survived, actually; it was a great success! Let's back up for a second: Marissa, a former intern, and her husband as well as my parents donated a significant amount of money so that we could hold a spiritual retreat for a group of our clients. PTL for their generosity!

The night of the retreat, we had a campfire during which we gave the girls the chance to write on a slip of paper the name of someone who hurt them and to then throw it into the fire as a symbolic act of forgiveness. I was sitting back, observing, and I just couldn't stop thinking about how absurd it is that every single one of them has suffered sexual abuse. And that for each one of them, there are so many more girls and boys who will likely never see justice served or be given the chance to heal.

It was special to see these girls in a different environment and to give them the chance to learn about the Lord and His love for them as well as to just allow them to have fun and be kids. We had a total of 29 girls attend, aged 11 to 19, along with 6 babies. I believe that all but one of the babies were a result of the abuse that the mother suffered. (I don't think I'll ever get over seeing a 12 year-old with a baby.)

I had some awesome moments when I was able to connect with a few girls one-on-one. I am grateful, as always, for the privilege of getting to know these brave young women. No one should ever have to suffer what they have; but their courage and recovery are proof that with adequate, consistent help that restoration is possible.

I don't say this to be prideful, but our work here is important. It is messy and not usually very streamlined: sometimes parents don't cooperate; the judicial process moves at a glacial pace; these families live in poverty that brings with it many challenges; the clients themselves are not always angelic. But despite these obstacles and challenges, these kids deserve to be safe. My time here is coming to a close, and it has been an immense privilege to be a part of this work and to play a small part in securing justice for those who would otherwise have no defender.

May there truly be Justice For All.