Fed Up

There is one thing I will definitely not miss about Guatemala once I am done here. And that is the disgusting, ridiculous, offensive behavior of men on the street. I have absolutely had it with all of the leering, offensive comments, and general disrespect towards me and other women. Some days it's not so bad and I can brush it off; but today was not one of those days. By the time I arrived at the office today, I was ready to punch someone in the face, declare every male in this country a big fat asshole, and hop a plane back to the States.

The anger that surges within me is scary and also sort of baffling. Anger is a secondary emotion, but I cannot be sure as to what underlies the anger and rage that I feel when these dickheads speak to me the way that they do. Maybe it's fear. Maybe it's hurt or embarrassment. Whatever it is, I shouldn't be made to feel this way.

While on the surface, this "machismo" or whatever-the-hell-you-want-to-call-it is simply annoying and offensive, I strongly believe that it is a symptom of a much deeper problem. I believe with everything in me that this piece of this culture has got to change if we are ever going to win this fight against sexual violence/abuse. Sometimes a certain oddity that we see in another culture is simply that: culture. It is just different and neither right nor wrong. But disrespect towards women is not a culturally-bound phenomenon. It is intrinsically wrong, and at no point is it acceptable for a man to objectify a woman or to say demeaning, violating things towards her.

If boys grow up seeing men speak disrespectfully towards women without consequence, what reason will they ever have to behave differently? And how can anyone truly, effectively work against such behavior? Verbal abuse is not punishable by law, but perhaps it should be. Honestly, I don't have any answers as to how anyone can effectively address this issue. I wish that I did. I suppose I could start by making a concerted effort towards treating my fellow women with more respect.

I have joked before that it would be awesome to carry around a squirt gun and any time a man says something offensive to then shoot him with it. But in all seriousness, this is a vital issue. Oppression of women may take many forms (female genital mutilation, sexual violence, CSE, domestic abuse, forbidding women to vote, oppressive dress codes, forbidding girls to go to school, etc.), but whatever form it takes, it is wrong. I would not seek to say that the verbal abuse I endure here is on par with what other women around the world deal with, but I now have had a glimpse into how entrenched are sexism and the cultural norms that underlie these issues. And I've had it!

General Update

This will, perhaps, be a disjointed entry. I don't have a "theme" in mind, nor do I have anything to go on and on about. (But that's probably a good thing for anyone dumb enough to read this blog.) So here goes...

• While each day has its challenges, I do feel comfortable here. I know my way around; I have a routine; and every day I see familiar faces. I still have trouble at the office here and there and struggle with self-doubt and feelings of insecurity; but I feel that I have, for the most part, found my place. Of course, I always have questions, and there is always going to be more to learn, but I am glad to be in a spot where I feel settled. 
• I am very thankful to the people here who have made an effort to help me and my fellow interns/fellows formulate community. Our friend, Alejandro, is so gracious to give us rides to Bible study and other places; Matt's host family had us over for dinner Saturday; Andrea's aunt and cousin have, more than once, spent time with us and shown us great hospitality. Soon after coming here to Guatemala, I resigned myself to not having any friends, but the Lord has shown me love through all of these people, and for that I am grateful.
• Bennett is leaving us at the end of this month. One of the most difficult things about being a part of IJM's internship/fellowship program is the "revolving door." There's always someone coming or going, and our common bond gets broken. I am grateful to Bennett for her patience with me and for introducing me to this culture and the people she met before I arrived. She is, in a way, a trailblazer for the four of us who will still be here after she leaves. 
• After Bennett leaves us, Andrea is planning to move in with me and Ashley. I think/hope it will be a good arrangement. 
• Over the past couple days I've done a lot of reading about the resurgence of polio. I am a news addict in general, but I have found this topic/issue to be particularly fascinating. 
• I continue to be a faithful watcher of "The Voice." It's nice to have something that's just purely entertaining and lighthearted. Ok. Maybe it's not so lighthearted considering how riled up I get when I watch people get eliminated. But it's frivolous and fun. 
• I need to start searching for a "real job" soon. It's on my agenda to get the ball rolling this coming weekend. (Holler at me if you know of any Counseling/Social Work jobs!)
• As of tomorrow, my parents will be here in 50 days! (And my friend, Jack, will be here on June 9th!)

Ok. That's all I know for now.

Looking Back and Ahead

So, I'm (finally) back in Guatemala. My trip was supposed to have been 11 days but ended up being 23 days. While the main reason for my extended stay was less than pleasant, my time in the States was so great! I had some concerns and anxieties about being back at home, but none of my fears were realized. The transition was seamless, so much so that I have said that it is as if I have two, separate, compartmentalized lives, and I just stepped out of one and into the other. I am very grateful for this gift of having more than one place to call home for now.

I was maybe a little reluctant to leave home and come back, but only because it was so great being there. I think that I did feel markedly more relaxed and at ease (vs here in Guatemala), and it was just plain awesome to enjoy the "comforts of home": driving; knowing my way around; using my iPhone; eating out; cleanliness; my pets; friends; family; shopping; TV; comfortable furniture; not having to share; not being confused/misunderstood all the time; being able to take a walk without much concern; not seeing trash everywhere; "blending in"; seeing so much diversity (I was overwhelmed with the racial/ethnic diversity while eating in the Perimeter Mall food court. Seriously.).

I doubt that I could have asked for a more enjoyable trip home. I think that having had such a good time can make going back (for good) easier. It will probably be tough leaving Guatemala, but having been given a chance to cherish people/places/things from home might make that transition less difficult. Here's hoping that I do not return to the U.S. jobless, carless, and homeless!

Medical Update: All of the diagnostic tests came back negative (PTL for that!), so I am being treated for SIBO- small intestinal bacterial overgrowth. It is difficult to know how/why it developed, but I have been instructed to stop taking Cipro, and I am currently on a strong antibiotic.

Prayer Requests:
- For the remainder of my time here. As I think about the coming months, I want them to be a time of learning and enjoyment. I do not want to have any regrets when I leave here.
- For what lies beyond my time here in Guatemala. At this point, it is the great unkown. Please pray for guidance and provision.
- That I can overcome my fears and anxieties and serve well.
- For my brother and his family as they transition to life in St. Simons Island!

Praise:
- For such a great time at home- for a time of rest, fellowship, and renovation
- That my GI issues are nothing too serious or untreatable.

Furlough Reflection

Today is the day I was to originally return to Guatemala from my stint here in the States; however, due to some health-related issues, I'll be here until the 6th. While I'm not happy about tomorrow's impending colonoscopy (TMI?), I'm glad to have a few more days here. Friday I'm taking a little road trip to Birmingham to visit some folks, and I've been able to see a few other people I wasn't originally planning on having the pleasure to see.

Despite all of my worries concerning being here, my time at home has been nothing short of awesome! I've told a few people that it feels as though my two lives (Guatemala and the U.S.) have been compartmentalized, and I simply stepped out of one and into the other. I've rarely thought about Guatemala since being here, except when sharing about it with friends and family. Honestly, my life there seems so far removed from things here. I guess, in a way, that is the case; but it's almost as if I never left here. I have worried that that means that maybe I haven't changed. But that simply is not true.

As I head back to Guatemala, I want to make sure to make the most of the rest of my time there. I don't have a ton of regrets from my first 6 months there- maybe just that I allowed myself to get stressed out a lot and allowed my pride and fear of embarrassment to get me down. Over the next 6 months, I would like to not be so concerned about "messing up" and not doing things perfectly and to just do my best, be obedient and work/act without fear. My battle with perfectionism has been a very long one, and maybe the rest of my time in Guatemala could be somewhat of a victory over it.

Prayer Requests:

• For my health- that my dr. would figure out what's going on and that the necessary treatment would be easy and succinct.
• For my return to Guatemala- that the transition back to work and everything there would be seamless. 
• For serenity and wisdom as I begin to make plans for life post-Guatemala

Home Sweet Home?

Last night, I talked a bit with some fellow expats about heading home. Monica, the wife of our Church Mobilization Fellow, is heading to the U.S. in less than a week...for good. She shared how she got a bit nervous when their family went to the States for Christmas as well as how it is not uncommon that people at home are not really interested to hear about your experience abroad. I admit that I am nervous about going home tomorrow.

Things I'm looking forward to*:

• Chick-fil-A
• Hanging out with my pets
• Target
• Telling others about Guatemala

 Things I'm not looking forward to*:

• Atlanta traffic (Shoot me now!)
• Being appalled at how expensive things are
• Feeling out of place
• My dentist appointment

Of course, I am excited about my trip because there are things and people I miss that I will get to enjoy; however, the past few weeks have been really good for me here in Guatemala, and I am dreading all of those typical, reverse culture shock happenings. (I'm still debating about whether or not to throw the toilet paper in the toilet while I'm there because I really like throwing it in the trash can. It just seems to make more sense.) But seriously- Will the euphoria of being home wear off and leave me feeling out of place and stuck between two cultures? Will people want to really listen and hear about my experience? Will I get angry at people and the way things are done in the States? Will I be able to tell others about my life in Guatemala in a way that accurately conveys my experience?

I had a tough time when I returned from my semester in Argentina, and I hope that by reflecting on that experience and recognizing the potentiality/possibility that this trip might be difficult at times will help me. If you're reading this, please pray that my time would be restful and not stressful. And if you see me while I'm in the U.S., please check in with me and help me navigate this odd space.

*This is not a comprehensive list.

Día de Gozo

Today has been full of joy, and for that I am so thankful. 1) This morning, a former colleague asked me to complete a secret mission for her while I'm in the States, so that's terribly exciting. (I cannot, herein, divulge any additonal information regarding said mission.)

2) This afternoon, I went with our Aftercare director to accompany a client in an Ob-Gyn appointment. The client in question is the primary participant in one of our longest cases, dating back to 2007. She was initially a victim of apparent trafficking and has since returned to the capital, been placed in an Aftercare home, escaped, lived on the streets, abused drugs, sold drugs, been a victim of horrific abuse, and become pregnant. About a month ago, she was once again found to be living in the streets, in a notoriously seedy area of Guatemala City. Our investigators were able to rescue her and she has since been living in an Aftercare/rehab facility.

So, this afternoon... The doctor, who-Praise God!-provided the gyno exam free of charge, began to conduct the ultrasound, and after a few minutes looked up and said quite matter-of-factly, "She is not pregnant." Praise the Lord for this! It may sound to some like an odd thing to be happy about, but no doubt this sweet girl does not need the added pressure of impending motherhood, given her situation. Our priority is her restoration and security, and we are overjoyed at the lifting of this burden. Perhaps the Lord worked a strange miracle. Or perhaps she never was pregnant to begin with. Whatever the case, it is a positive development in this difficult situation. I am in awe of my supervisor's commitment to this case- the way she persists in prayer and appears to never doubt the ability or faithfulness of the Lord to bring about a miracle for this girl. My prayer is that today's happening would just be the beginning of a flood of miraculous news in this case. May it be so!

3) This afternoon, one of my co-workers poured out her heart to me as I ate my lunch. It began with an unsolicited question and slowly morphed into a counseling session of sorts. At times, I wonder why I am here, or I bemoan the fact that I am not (yet) getting much clinical experience. But I have been intentional with this person in asking how she is doing each day and asking about her family, and there she goes- soliciting my advice and opinion. (Of course, a therapist's job is not to give his/her opinión, but even so, it was special to have that one-on-one time, to just listen, offer words of advice and comfort.)

4) This week we've had some visitors from HQ, one of whom is our director of Contingency Operations. He is a retired U.S. Army colonel, has an impressive CV and is quite the character. This morning, before he departed, he conducted a briefing, in order to further improve the security of our office. I am continuously amazed at how well IJM cares for its employees, and I couldn't be more grateful! But more than that, I was very touched that he took the time to thank us for our work, to encourage us, and tell us what a good job we are doing. Most notable was his observation that our office really acts like a family, which he says is not the case in all offices. Praise be to the Lord for bringing me here to this place, for allowing me to know these people and to be a part of this community.

5) I head home in 2 days, but given all that I have written above, I can say that I will miss Guatemala while I am gone.

That's all, folks.

Update: Bullet Point Style

Just a quick update on the goings-on in my life here:

• 'Been quite busy at work: I spent last week making preparations for this coming week's Aftercare training. Generally, I enjoy the administrative side of things, but I was all but chained to my desk making arrangements, printing training materials, figuring out finance stuff, and all of those other logistics, and I got really sick of it. My hat goes off to the interns who do all of that junk all of the time!
• I've been struggling with anger a lot- whether it's towards my roommates for not being as clean/tidy as I would like them to be; at people who walk so insanely slow on the sidewalks; or just at any given situation. At times, I wish I could just haul off and slap someone. And I'm not even really sure where this anger is coming from. It is difficult to psychoanalyze myself, but I've always been a control freak, so maybe the root of the issue lies there. I don't know... 
• I've been amazed at how the Lord has made connections between me and other people- seeing His providence, foresight, and planning: Our Aftercare specialist is here this week (doing the aforementioned training), and it turns out that she knows some of my Honduran friends because she grew up there (Her parents were missionaries with Church of the Brethren). And one year ago, I was sitting at lunch with Rene, Brad, ReJean; and here we are now- me about halfway through my time here, and Rene with about a month to go. It's just awesome to see how God has connected and re-connected me with people. I hope I never cease to be amazed by those things.
• As of tomorrow, I go home in 11 days! I'm not eager to leave Guatemala because I like it here a lot, but I am looking forward to spending time with people I love, eating some delicious food, and just enjoying the comforts of home. I am a bit worried that being there might be difficult- whether because I feel disconnected from life at home or because I may not be able to accurately convey my experience to others. I just know that oftentimes it can be difficult to return home after a stint away, especially in a place that others do not know, doing work that is taxing and difficult to share. 
• My hair has been uncooperative, to say the least. I think that the water here is really bad on it. I mean, we don't drink the water, so it can't be doing anything good for my locks. This is petty, I know; but curly hair is challenging in any situation, but mine is just downright unruly these days. 'Hoping some hair therapy while I'm home will help the situation. 

That's all I know for now. You stay classy, whoever's reading this.