Thank you, Aloe Blacc.

"Wake me up when it's all over, when I'm wiser and I'm older. All this time I was finding myself, and I didn't know I was lost."* 

This past week was probably the most terrible and difficult of my life, to date. I was ready to pack up my crap and go home. The aforementioned (but now deleted) altercation with my assigned in-office counselor* was just the beginning. I will not share all of the details, so let's just say that a lapse in judgment led to me unintentionally causing a lot of trouble at work. I saw what I believed to be a problematic situation, and I jumped up the hierarchy and acted as a whistleblower. And then my world imploded.

As things unfolded, my impulse was to lash out and blame others. But I tried to maintain my integrity through it all because I believe that at the end of the day, that's all I have to stand on. I explained my logic and reasoning and admitted where I went wrong and apologized. Side note: I also accepted an apology, and for that I am very grateful.

It is so tough to accept chastisement/criticism/correction with grace and humility, especially when the behavior in question is not my m.o. - I do not want anyone generalizing about me or making a judgment call on my character. Perhaps I put too much stock in what others think about me. But when it comes to integrity, many folks might say that we are what we do- that our actions say way more about us than anything we say. But what about when we mess up or act contrary to the way we strive to be? At what point is one's integrity "broken" or does your character change? Or at what point can we no longer claim to be the kind of people we say we are?

This week left me thoroughly bruised, and I've walked away with some tough lessons. I'm not yet grateful for the experience, but hopefully at some point I will be.

*I very much appreciate the folks that validated me via Facebook. I admit that the delivery was not cool, but I stand by my indignation. 

*This week's soundtrack. 

Fed Up

There is one thing I will definitely not miss about Guatemala once I am done here. And that is the disgusting, ridiculous, offensive behavior of men on the street. I have absolutely had it with all of the leering, offensive comments, and general disrespect towards me and other women. Some days it's not so bad and I can brush it off; but today was not one of those days. By the time I arrived at the office today, I was ready to punch someone in the face, declare every male in this country a big fat asshole, and hop a plane back to the States.

The anger that surges within me is scary and also sort of baffling. Anger is a secondary emotion, but I cannot be sure as to what underlies the anger and rage that I feel when these dickheads speak to me the way that they do. Maybe it's fear. Maybe it's hurt or embarrassment. Whatever it is, I shouldn't be made to feel this way.

While on the surface, this "machismo" or whatever-the-hell-you-want-to-call-it is simply annoying and offensive, I strongly believe that it is a symptom of a much deeper problem. I believe with everything in me that this piece of this culture has got to change if we are ever going to win this fight against sexual violence/abuse. Sometimes a certain oddity that we see in another culture is simply that: culture. It is just different and neither right nor wrong. But disrespect towards women is not a culturally-bound phenomenon. It is intrinsically wrong, and at no point is it acceptable for a man to objectify a woman or to say demeaning, violating things towards her.

If boys grow up seeing men speak disrespectfully towards women without consequence, what reason will they ever have to behave differently? And how can anyone truly, effectively work against such behavior? Verbal abuse is not punishable by law, but perhaps it should be. Honestly, I don't have any answers as to how anyone can effectively address this issue. I wish that I did. I suppose I could start by making a concerted effort towards treating my fellow women with more respect.

I have joked before that it would be awesome to carry around a squirt gun and any time a man says something offensive to then shoot him with it. But in all seriousness, this is a vital issue. Oppression of women may take many forms (female genital mutilation, sexual violence, CSE, domestic abuse, forbidding women to vote, oppressive dress codes, forbidding girls to go to school, etc.), but whatever form it takes, it is wrong. I would not seek to say that the verbal abuse I endure here is on par with what other women around the world deal with, but I now have had a glimpse into how entrenched are sexism and the cultural norms that underlie these issues. And I've had it!

General Update

This will, perhaps, be a disjointed entry. I don't have a "theme" in mind, nor do I have anything to go on and on about. (But that's probably a good thing for anyone dumb enough to read this blog.) So here goes...

• While each day has its challenges, I do feel comfortable here. I know my way around; I have a routine; and every day I see familiar faces. I still have trouble at the office here and there and struggle with self-doubt and feelings of insecurity; but I feel that I have, for the most part, found my place. Of course, I always have questions, and there is always going to be more to learn, but I am glad to be in a spot where I feel settled. 
• I am very thankful to the people here who have made an effort to help me and my fellow interns/fellows formulate community. Our friend, Alejandro, is so gracious to give us rides to Bible study and other places; Matt's host family had us over for dinner Saturday; Andrea's aunt and cousin have, more than once, spent time with us and shown us great hospitality. Soon after coming here to Guatemala, I resigned myself to not having any friends, but the Lord has shown me love through all of these people, and for that I am grateful.
• Bennett is leaving us at the end of this month. One of the most difficult things about being a part of IJM's internship/fellowship program is the "revolving door." There's always someone coming or going, and our common bond gets broken. I am grateful to Bennett for her patience with me and for introducing me to this culture and the people she met before I arrived. She is, in a way, a trailblazer for the four of us who will still be here after she leaves. 
• After Bennett leaves us, Andrea is planning to move in with me and Ashley. I think/hope it will be a good arrangement. 
• Over the past couple days I've done a lot of reading about the resurgence of polio. I am a news addict in general, but I have found this topic/issue to be particularly fascinating. 
• I continue to be a faithful watcher of "The Voice." It's nice to have something that's just purely entertaining and lighthearted. Ok. Maybe it's not so lighthearted considering how riled up I get when I watch people get eliminated. But it's frivolous and fun. 
• I need to start searching for a "real job" soon. It's on my agenda to get the ball rolling this coming weekend. (Holler at me if you know of any Counseling/Social Work jobs!)
• As of tomorrow, my parents will be here in 50 days! (And my friend, Jack, will be here on June 9th!)

Ok. That's all I know for now.