Over the past few weeks I have come to a realization of my capacity for hatred and bitterness.
A dear relative of mine has been treated very unjustly in recent weeks by people who led her to believe that they loved and cared about her, and I have since become fiercely protective of her. While I believe that my inclination towards protecting her stems from love, I know that my feelings towards those who have hurt her come from a place of darkness. The anger that has recently surfaced shines light upon the bitterness that I harbor, and it is ugly.
Yesterday I hit what I hope is the low point. In sharing the recent goings-on of the situation in question, I blurted out that I "hate" a certain person, and I dropped a few other choice words as well. I could hardly believe what I had said, and it was as if I wasn't even in control of myself as the words flew out of my mouth.
Thankfully, the friend with whom I was sharing all of this showed me great grace and validated my feelings while reminding me that within each of us is the capacity to treat others poorly. Don't I know it! I believe that we are all capable of depraved, atrocious behavior, and my recent thoughts and words have strengthened that belief.
At this point, I can only pray that the Lord would make me willing to forgive, for I am not yet at a point where I feel that I can do so. In all honesty, if hating those people would result in punishment for what they have done, I would continue to hate. But I know that the ill will that I feel for them will only hurt me and do a disservice to the God who I hope will instill in me a capacity to not only forgive but to love those who have done wrong.
